I was inspired by the ruler of this blog’s recent post about his self-harm story so I wanted to chime in with mine.
*I don’t want anybody to read this then get the urge to self-harm. If you’re not mentally up to it at the moment, don’t push yourself. Do whatever is the safest thing for you.*
Self-harm became a comfort for me.
Reading that you may wonder how hurting myself can ever be comfortable. But let me explain.
There’s some science somewhere that says cutting releases endorphins in your brain that make you feel good even just got a little bit. I used to hurt myself over and over and over again until I felt that my internal pain was manageable again.
I would hurt myself when I felt like total shit. When I felt that the only thing to make me feel better was to hurt myself. But once the endorphins were done swimming around, the pain begins.
At my lowest point I didn’t care that I was hurting myself on a daily basis. I didn’t feel guilty and the pain that it caused gave me something to feel instead of being numb.
At other times in my life I would feel immediately guilty. I would beat myself up about it, “Megan you shouldn’t have done this! What were you thinking doing this again?”
Hiding the fresh cuts was always the part that I hated most. It felt like another way that I had to cover up my pain instead of talking about it with someone.
As of today I haven’t self-harmed in over a year! This is a huge accomplishment for me because I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long since I began hurting myself when I was 18 (I’m now 25, almost 26). Writing that makes me feel strong!
I know that I will always struggle with the urge to self-harm. Using positive coping skills plus the power of distracting myself have been my keys to success.
The scars that I have all over my body are a reminder of how far I have come in my mental health journey. If you have scars too, let them remind you of how strong you are and that you have made it through many difficult times.
Stay strong everyone! — Megan x