My Last Panic Attack

It had been a while. To be honest, I don’t miss panic attacks. I hate them because I lose myself in the panic attack, and control is what I crave most.

It was inevitable. Depression in my life always leads me to increase anxiety. An when that happens, a panic attack is sure to follow–and last night was no different.

It was one of the worst in a while. I couldn’t keep still. My focus was all over the place. My mind was racing. There were real thoughts and fears that I was not going to live through the night. My breathing was shallow for so long, and I was hyperventilating for what seemed like forever.

The entire ordeal lasted almost an hour it took about four milligrams of Ativan (I took my regular 2mg dose at about 9pm, and my panic attack happened around 1am. I had to take two more milligrams just to find my center again. It had been a long time since that has happened.

I have been good with my Ativan the last month since I changed how I take my 4mg of dosage each day. 1mg in the morning and afternoon/early evening and 2mg before I sleep. This new routine almost eradicated my late night anxiety. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety is a dangerous mix and almost always leads to panic attacks in my life.

My depression has been a little bit better. I still have to resist the urge to stay in bed and be unproductive. It takes everything I have to work through the depression and try to keep my routine.

The only thing that I didn’t get to today was my daily workout. With the weather being freezing (for California) and my mood something had to give. I was able to write for a few hours including this blog post and finish one of my papers for school.

I feel a bit broken, and I need a mental health day (maybe in the coming weekend I will find some time to just layabout.) It would be the perfect timing. My sleep has been problematic (I will discuss this in a separate blog post.) When I am depressed, I tend to overdo life, thinking that I have to work harder just to get through my day. While that is true, I am still learning that I can let go. Tomorrow is always another day.

Always Keep Fighting


My GoFundMe Page

Now, I had to use my real name for this (I write under my pseudonym James Edgar Skye) so don’t be surprised by the name–David TC. Also, this allows me to show how much has been donated (I will give the running total at the end of the post.

unsplash-logoHailey Reed

unsplash-logoRobin Benzrihem


37 thoughts on “My Last Panic Attack

  1. I have only had two panic attacks that I can remember. The experience was horrible and not one that I would recommend to anyone. I am sorry you’re dealing with the depression. I know the feeling when you fight to slog forward in spite of how you feel. Hope things look up for you soon. Maybe you’ll get that mental health day you need. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: My Last Panic Attack – The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog – International Badass Activists

  3. ahhh, control. I know this is terrible but when I need more control, I quit eating because I can control that. I think something is in the water, lots of panic attacks going on around me and my friends. We can do this together. YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That image of the ruined hallway is spot on, if only you could make it wiggle, go in and out of focus, shake, or something, that’s my anxiety attacks. Maybe the walls closing in. I’m new to anxiety attacks and they suck. I have no medications. I’m 60 and the anxiety attacks started happening only a few years ago. Before that it was depression and other things…since ever.


  5. My sleep schedule is also messed up and hopefully I can change it. I feel you and I’m here for you. It’s been some months since I had a panic attack. I also hate them so much. It’s such a scary experience. You are amazing. I hope you take care of yourself. Just know that we are all in this together 💪 You are strong and you can get through it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have a friend who also have this problem, he told me that one of the ways he by which he controls it is by following a different route. For example, if he has a particular road he follows to a particular place, he tries switching roads, he says it helps his mind to see new things

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I wrote without my glasses and that was a bad idea…a new try:
    It’s such a difficult disorder and the person who stands beside feel helpless when the mania or depression sets in. Do keep fighting and do keep your head up high. All the best to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My sleep schedule does not get messed up and I dont have panic attacks. Mine usually manifests itself via a heavy feeling in my chest when I wake up. I think we all experience mental difficulties in different ways and at different times. We all need to hang in there. Keep fighting!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. My sister used to have such bad anxiety attacks. It took forever to get her calmed down. Luckily she hasn’t had one since high school so it’s been almost 10 years. But when she did have them they happened often and were terrifying

    Liked by 1 person

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