This is something that I’ve been struggling since I’ve hit my “bottom” after my depressive episode last summer.
I don’t think I really understood what it meant to be hopeless until then.
I keep looking forward for “exciting” things. Things that can make me happier, or new things that bring positive changes to my life. But I always end up making full circle thinking – “what now?”
I buy myself the things that I want, treat myself with a trip that I want. But even in those moments, I start to scramble on what I can do to find hope – again.
Hope is a strange thing.
We talk about hope like it’s a tangible item that we can buy or get if we achieve a certain state of mind.
It saddens me to know that I know how it feels to be absolutely hopeless in a world that shouts there is still hope.
I strive my best to surround myself with a community that brings me joy, but it seems like there is so much others can do for me.
I try my best to utilize my tools to stop myself from spiraling down into a negative hole of thoughts, but sometimes that is just not good enough.
Today, I am still searching my way to find hope.
I am happy and content, but I want more.
More of this that can allow me to enjoy even the slightest things I have in this life, and to be the hope others can find hope as well.
I want more hope. Is that too much to ask?