A Swim Upstream And Lessons Learnt

As the year comes to an end, I would like to recap what 2018 has been for me. This year was filled with so many ups and downs. Tears have been cried and my faith has been tested on so many occasions. There were a lot of lessons learned, despite my heartache.

It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and My Bowel Disease. This time last year, I was so malnourished because my gut was extremely damaged and I couldn’t absorb nutrients. It has been such a struggle to get to a point were my bowel disease was at bay. I was also diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder about three years ago. I struggled to keep the ship sailing since my malnutrition and my bowel disease made my mental health conditions worse.

I lost so many friends due to us growing apart. I was no longer helpful in their journeys and them in mine. I grew into what I am today because I was shaped by my circumstances and experiences. I became who I was destined to be. I fell in love with myself again, despite having lost myself in the storm of circumstances I had no control over. I gained new hope and I started traveling the world again, with friends and on my own.

For the first time in a year, since my diagnosis of CPTSD. I started living for myself and not being defined by doctrines that people tried to instil in me. I overcame my self harming strategies, my suicidal thoughts and most importantly the guilt I have carried for so many years. I always struggled with guilt and self-hate. Because I was taught by my abusers that I was not worthy of love and that I wasn’t deserving of life. I still struggle with my negative inner critic from time to time but I learnt how to cope and tackle this negative inner critic.

I am grateful for all that Life had to offer me in 2018. Most importantly, I found the new me!

Thank you for being with me. I look forward to seeing you here again soon Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.



18 thoughts on “A Swim Upstream And Lessons Learnt

  1. I too have CPTSD, and I am 77 and still standing despite my long battle with it. There is always hope for us if we allow ourselves to accept it. I wish you and your loved ones the best life has to offer today and all your tomorrows. Anne always

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Francesca, I think when we have CPTSD, it is an opportunity for us to create and use a whole new set of tools. For example, a few weeks ago, I was trying to get the title to my mobile home, which I have finished paying for and not getting good experiences from at all from the park owners who sold it. I paid $4,000 down and had made payments on the other $4,000, but the park owners had me owing a total of $9,500 for that $4,000 loan, and I had never signed anything like that. Needless to say, I went into PTSD immediately, feeling as though I would never get this issue resolved, along with all their mistakes, plus their failure to give me a copy of the contract. That much money to pay back would have amounted to predatory lending, and I was so sure I would have to take them to court and go to different organizations to get papers against them signed. And the husband and wife were both attorneys. Yes, I was in total overwhelm. And at that moment, I started saying I wanted to end it all. But the reality was that I was overwhelmed, as most people would be in such a circumstance. I was really just overwhelmed, and that was NOT the same thing as wanting to end it all. So we have to learn how to use our words in any given situation. It is ok to feel overwhelmed, to feel immense sorrow, to feel incredible anger, but why does that equal ending it all?

    When we feel depressed because no one is acknowledging that we are not feeling well, and we are getting confused, this is how we need to think. At one time I was doing an exhibit for physically challenged artists, and a lot of women started calling me asking if I would consider things like cancer, MS and chronic depression a physical challenge, this is what I told them. “Well, honey, it sure isn’t an out-of-body experience, is it?” So one thing that happens and that we need to acknowledge within us is that not everyone understands things like “invisible challenges.” But that does not mean they are not genuine. Not everyone is going to understand all the things that make us feel overwhelmed, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve to feel bad about them. But to switch the anger, fear, disillusionment, sorrow or other negative feelings to “I want to end it all” is not OK. Let’s call an issue an issue.

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      • No Francesca. NEVER even consider ending your life. Your life is sacred and amazing, and so are you. So when these feelings start to come on, why don’t you start a list of possibilities (and there are ALWAYS possibilities that we never think of). So try changing your language. You don’t really want to ever consider ending your life. Think about how it would totally ruin the lives of others around you who love you. You have a whole life ahead of you. Live it fully and do get help when you need it or try to help yourself as best as you know how if no one else is around. Instead of I feel like ending my life, say something like “I feel truly overwhelmed at not knowing the best way to handle this, yet I know in reality there is a way to do it. I will write at least five things I can think of now how to handle it.” Even if one of the five things is to sob your eyes out, that is a better alternative than ending your life. If you are attracted to art, you could draw what you feel like at any given moment. You could make a collection of these drawings and look them over periodically to see how you change. This can be very helpful for you. There is always something you could do at a time like this, but killing yourself or even thinking about it is not one of them. You are a beautiful person with miles and miles of life ahead. Don’t allow yourself to run out of miles before you even start the journey. Think of others who might benefit from your lessons you can teach them. Hugs and blessings, Anne

        Liked by 1 person

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