Talking Myself Out of the Dark

This time of the year is a struggle for me to continue to write, and while this post is not the norm for me it is real and honest. Unlike in my past, I refuse to quit writing even in these moments. Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are, never give up on your dreams and never be silenced.

tunnel of light

Photo by Pixabay

I stood outside tonight in the cold and looked up at the dark sky, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed it, the crisp air was cleansing and a reminder that I was alive inside, even though there are some days it feels questionable. Like many of those who suffer from anxiety and depression, the winter months are toughest for me. Once the sun starts to rise late and set early the unrelenting grip of that dark place takes hold of me and at times feels like it will never let go.

When this happens the many things I love about life fade into the background as I don’t allow myself to experience them while I sit in my cloud not able to even get off the couch. The TV becomes my best friend and I pick fights with my loved ones because it just feels good to be angry. I hate this part of me, I loathe the idea that I can get to this place even as I practice positivity, gratitude, meditation, prayer, kindness, love, forgiveness and all the self-care tips in all the self-help books. It’s frustrating and sad and just makes me more depressed thinking about it. What I’ve come to understand over the years is that anxiety and depression are deceitful and tricky and oh so very real. Even at your highest and most balanced, even when you feel on top of the world, they are lying in wait for you to drop your guard and the moment you do, out of what feels like nowhere, the dark, cold current rushes over you.

My mind swirls attempting to make sense of it, and for a very long time I didn’t like to talk about it. If I did, I would be admitting that I can go down this road, and that the energetic, excitable, talk-too-much personality that I adore can be masked by the grim sadness I try to ignore. It felt hypocritical, scary and embarrassing. It was like my dirty little secret and the moment I admitted this happens to me would be the moment I am outed as a fraud or a liar, a fake happy person.

However, I have learned that when I acknowledge I’m in this state, while the energy to even care may not be there quite yet, the sooner I begin to see the light. In the past, I would lay stale in this mindset for weeks, I would wallow in the darkness hating it and loving it at the same time, but lately, I am learning through this beautiful writing/blogging community and through the self-care practices that I have established in my every day life, that the more I am truly honest with how I am feeling the easier it is to get back to being the best version of me.

The whole truth was a difficult road to journey down, as it meant I had to acknowledge that with light there comes dark, even inside of me. We are not perfect, we are not meant to be, and the sooner we stop shaming those who suffer, accept the imperfection in each other and start supporting and celebrating every part of us, the more peace we will have. In the meantime, I will continue both my internal and external conversations of the whole truth about what makes me me, and continue to talk myself out of the dark.

Wishing you all love and light.

Much Love,

Lisa J.

22 thoughts on “Talking Myself Out of the Dark

  1. Thank you for this. The timing and the words couldn’t be more perfect. I feel myself slide down that slippery slope and even though I know it’s happening, I can’t seem to stop the train wreck that I let my life become at this time of year. I’m grateful when the sun is here, but I still want to hide in the dark places. As selfish as it sounds, I’m glad I’m not alone in this. And yes, it’s terrifyingly REAL. Once again, thank you for being honest. I wish you love and light and laughter with the tears. xo

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  2. “the more I am truly honest with how I am feeling the easier it is to get back to being the best version of me.” This is something I learned this year as well. I’ve implemented checking in with myself during certain times of the day and it helps me be honest with myself in terms of how I’m really doing. Thank you for sharing!

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  3. I cried reading this, not because it made me sad; but happy. I related to this post in so many ways, and like the comment above; couldn’t have come at a better time. Every night when I come home from work, despite the bitter cold; like you I enjoy the air and the feeling. Sometimes enclosed I feel suffocated, a prisoner of my own thoughts. My venture into blogging is an attempt to find a way to deal with my depression. I hope to become a part of a judgement free zone; because as you said, admitting that you’re suffering is one of the first steps 🙂

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    • Yes! It’s was hard to admit let alone type out, but it’s a feeling that’s difficult to explain to those who have never felt it. It’s scary for me to admit because I try so hard to stay positive but once it’s out there it so much less lonely 🧡

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  4. I can very much relate to what you wrote, thank you for sharing. I can comprehend that darkness, and I realise too, that if you ride the waves, it will pass faster than trying to fight and resist it. Powerful indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for this post and sharing. Awareness has helped me to try to not get pulled into depression this time of year — I now recognize the signs and do my best to not get pulled in. I have taken up cross country skiing here in the north country as a way to exercise and to get out into the woods. Being outside has helped me as well.

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    • Thank you for reading and I share not just for me but so people know they are not alone 🧡 nature always does it for me too – it just makes you feel better! Much luck with the new hobby and much light!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wonderful blog about the mental battles faced with mental illness in general. I have often said that my biggest fight is within myself, hence tortured soul. I believe it is us who fight the hardest battles are the ones capable of the biggest love and compassion for others .

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