So, today I called out of work for the umpteenth time, and I feel awful about it, I truly do. There are just some days where I can’t, for one reason or another, bring myself to get out of bed. There is the possibility that I will lose my job, and I don’t even know if I would care. Depression has this way of developing bad habits for people. In my case, it is most definitely calling out of work, and my personal hygiene (see my blog for a post about that). There are things that we do when we are depressed, so that it doesn’t seem to hurt as much, or so that we can make it through the day. Often enough, when we do these things to make ourselves feel more comfortable, they become habitual. Humans are inherently scared to leave their comfort zone, leaving themselves vulnerable. I most certainly am one of those people, not to mention the added bonus of having pretty bad anxiety. When I get up in the morning, the first thoughts that run through my head are, “Oh I’m not dead yet” and “What do I need to do to survive the day”. I know, pretty contradictory, but my brain is funny like that. I have this weird balance in my depression of wanting to die, but if I don’t die, than how do I make it through the day to maybe die tomorrow. I mean, it’s not a pretty reason, but for some odd reason it keeps me going. Today was another one of those days where I didn’t die in my sleep, so I automatically went to how am I going to survive the day. The first issue was that I didn’t want to go to my begrudgingly boring and mediocre job, because I knew that doing what I do for 8 hours would probably only worsen the depression that I was already feeling when I woke up. The second problem, was that I am out of paid time off, and I’m taking more time than I have been allotted, which creates problems for my bosses. Hence, why it is a possibility that I may lose my job. I can already see what you’re thinking, “Alan, if you hate your job that much than why don’t you leave?” Simple, because the company I work for is a great company with tons of benefits, and I worked really hard to get into it in the first place. The only problem is, while I’m currently going back to school to work on my degree, I’m stuck at this pathetic level where I hate my job, but love my company. So what choice do I have but try my best to stick it out until I earn my degree? It just is so hard sometimes, that it makes my head spin. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I have a strong feeling that my depression is to blame. Hopefully, I have it in me to get out of bed tomorrow and go to work like any other normal person. Until then, I’ll just continue to vent to all of you lovely people in the hopes that I can alleviate some of the distress that I am feeling today.
Thanks as always,