My Romance With Death

Death is such a strange yet familiar concept to me. It is strange because I don’t understand why people fear death. I know that it is simply natural to fear your life coming to an end; but I don’t understand it one bit. I seem to have a very romanticized view of death, that it is an end to the life that I don’t really want. Yet, I know that feeling is simply my depression talking, but since I’ve been depressed for so long, it’s become difficult to tell the difference between my true feelings and what my depression tells me. I have a feeling that I’m not alone in that respect. That many of you who suffer the same way I do have had the lines between your depression and your self blurred. It’s a very strange feeling to have these thoughts in my head that I don’t even know are mine. No, I don’t, and never have, heard voices telling me to do things, but its almost as if there are two sides to my personality. One being the overwhelming force of my depression, and the other being the meek side of me that wants to live. It is a constant battle between these two opposing forces, yet there doesn’t seem to be a clear victor. My romance with death almost makes me feel like Deadpool in a way. I love the thought of death, well at least the peaceful kind. Still, I have these fantasies in which I die a violent and heroic death all the time. For example, I would imagine myself being mugged at knifepoint or gunpoint, and refusing to give the mugger anything and just generally being a badass. Getting shot or stabbed because of my blatant disregard for the situation’s severity, yet still managing to subdue to suspect, and then later dying from my wounds. It has always been a dream of mine to go out in a spectacular fashion, to which people would be telling stories about how amazing I was. I know that I am strange for having these thoughts about death, especially when most people are terrified of it. Again, I’ve been depressed for so long, that I can’t even tell if this is how I truly feel, or its just my depression.

The good news however, is that my new meds seem to be working. I haven’t really had a suicidal ideation in quite a long time. What is really nice is that it doesn’t even feel different anymore to not have suicidal ideations. When I first went on medication, that worked, and I lost my suicidal ideations I almost felt lost without them. Now, I feel like a sort of weight has been lifted in a most amazing way. I mean to be honest, I can do without the side effects, like getting the shakes when I don’t eat anything for 8 hours, but I mean what can you do. All medications these days have such drastic side effects that you just hope the end result is worth whatever troubles you have to go through. However, still hate my job…so that is going to be weighing me down for a while. Not to mention I’m in debt up to my eyes. Although, every step I take forward, I have to look back to remind myself how far I’ve actually come. To make sure that when I take a step back, it doesn’t feel like the end of the world, when its actually just a minor setback in my perpetual progress. Anyways, thanks for listening to me rant for a hot minute, hopefully you can take something away from this article to help yourself, or at least feel not so alone.

Man it feels good to be back!!!



18 thoughts on “My Romance With Death

  1. I deal with this myself and I have a romantic sight of death at times. I welcome it when I’m depressed and when I’m manic. It surely does complicate my life but things are getting better. I hope you find yourself getting better my fellow blogger.

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  2. I’m very happy you are back. I have always loved your writing and this post was marvelous. I can completey relate and agree with all that you wrote except I am blessed at finally finding a job I like.. but the rest I am there, in debt up to my eyeballs as well. I love how you talked about not knowing if it is depression talking or your own thoughts. I think that all the time, and even on the opposite side –when I am reallly happy I wonder if it is really me or is it hypomania bordering on euphoria and I am on the verge of going manic. I guess it is good to be self aware, but I too have lived with mental illness so long I do not know what is “normal.” I am happy you are on the mend and doing better. Keep writing. Hugs, Sue

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  3. Oh yeah, I don’t have fantasies of dying in the fashiop of your dreams (because I am a chicken) but I am not afraid of death anymore. either. I guess when you have been so close to death and dying and that when thoughts of death becomes your only friend during severe depression etc. it loses the fear factor, fear of the unknown because I have been so close to it. Much love and hugs, again.

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  4. I relate with so many of your feelings. I have also wondered where Megan ends and depression begins especially with how I view myself. I’m glad your new medicine is working! I went through a similar thing in 2017 when I got on the right medicine and my suicidal thoughts stopped. I felt a little lost without them. It’s strange how comfortable we get with our mental illnesses that when they take a break from tormenting us, we long for them to return.

    Liked by 1 person

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