A month ago I wrote about how I wasn’t feeling depressed, that I was able to feel happy and be productive (check it out here). It was really great while it lasted but I have started falling back down into the hole of depression.
It hit me yesterday evening, just tripping me up. I began to lose control over my emotions during a stupid little thing with my boyfriend. I began to cry, something I often do when I feel out of control and when I feel like I have done something wrong. I cried even though he tried to tell me everything was fine but that voice in my head told me otherwise.
I woke up this morning figuring yesterday was just a fluke, that everything would be better today. I was very much wrong. My brain kept conjuring up feelings of guilt and telling me that my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore because I am the way I am. I began sobbing, shouting into my bed that everything is all my fault. That it is my fault he is unhappy and that I am ruining my relationship even though this isn’t true. We have been together for nearly 2 years and are planning to live together in 2019.
In that fit of sobbing I knew my brain felt weird. That something wasn’t quite right, something was off. I felt depression grabbing me, dragging me back down into the imaginary hole where it lives. I’m back to where I was a few months ago. Feeling empty, sad, lazy and that I am not good enough for anyone or anything.
It is such a stark contrast from where I was yesterday afternoon. Depression gives zero f***s about when it wants to punch you in my stomach and drag you back to where you were trying to escape.
I feel disappointed in myself to be back in this depressive state. It feels unfair that I have to return to this state of being after being truly happy for over a month.
The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog 
I’m sorry you feel this way. I know what you mean and it’s awful.
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It is such a roller coaster ride. My therapist tells me what’s different when I am back in that depressed mode is that I know what it took to pull me out last time, that I don’t have to stay there. It’s still difficult to muster the energy to use the tools. Hang in there.
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Yes! My therapist has said a similar thing, it really gives me a more positive perspective on it all. Thank you!
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I, too am back and forth with my depression. It seeps back to me mostly at night when I reflect on the days’ events. Days would pass by and I don’t feel sad and like you said, it hits you out of nowhere. I wish you peace of mind and may you find comfort in these words. WE ARE ENOUGH. WE ARE STRONG. WE SHALL OVERCOME.
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Thank you so much for your encouragement!! We are enough even when our minds tells us otherwise!!
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You can do it! You are strong enough to fight it back! Smile and be happy! Fill your mind with the happy moments! You can do it! Don’t give up!
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Thank you so much for your kind words, Popsicle!!
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This calls out to me in so many ways. Sending you hugs and support. It’s so hard to be a depressed person and having your own normal life stresses but also the constant worry about what the other person is thinking.
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Thank you for the virtual hugs 🙂 I am sending hugs and support your way as well, Half Baked Baker!
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I have been feeling those icy claws of depression slithering into my life, and my heart, for a couple of months.
The last couple of weeks, I’ve been losing my grip on my emotions.
Yesterday, paranoia took hold of my mind and I was convinced my new boyfriend was using me.
Last night, I cried myself to sleep after accusing him of not having my phone number in his phone.
He does. It’s under his nickname for me.
This morning, my depression is using this and some other things, to prove how unworthy I am of breathing.
I’m not suicidal, right now, because I, simply, don’t have the energy to come up with a plan and execute it.
I feel this way in spite of having a new boyfriend, making huge progress in catching up on my bills, making progress in my writing, nearly done organizing my apartment, and having several people come over yesterday just to check on me and see if I needed anything.
I thought my depression was caused by my stupid decisions and actions. My counselor and doctor told me it wasn’t.
Now, I know they were right because I couldn’t imagine things being any better for me, but I’m seriously depressed.
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I understand where you’re coming from about paranoia with relationships and crying. Depression and anxiety can shout so loudly it blocks out any rationality.
You sound like you have a lot of really great things going on besides that though! It can be hard to see but the people in your life clearly care about you, Jen. They wouldn’t be popping by to see you if they didn’t!
I am sending you positive vibes and support! Being suicidal is hell on Earth. I truly hope you and your team of mental health professionals are creating a positive environment for you and helping you safety plan. You can make it through!!
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I’m so glad someone understands that it’s not that I don’t see what they do or that they care (most of the time I know they care), it’s that the crap in my head screams so loud it blocks it out.
I didn’t think of trying to explain it that way before. Maybe they will understand better if I put it that way.
As for the people who pop in to see how I’m doing, they usually leave with stuff in their pockets as well as whatever they can con me out of. I’m not being paranoid with this, I have found this out because they will come back and try to sell it to me and it will have my owner’s mark on it!
I am grateful for the positive vibes. I need them.
I will be sending some your way as well, because you can only keep what you give away. LoL
My team of mental health professionals is just me, right now.
I have to get some personal work done and go through the process of starting counseling again before I can get a professional team.
May your holiday season be full of love, laughter, and light.
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That’s awful those people are treating you like that!! I hope things look up for you soon, I truly mean it. Thank you! I wish you the best holiday season as well 🙂
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Hi Megan.
That feeling of disappointment is so familiar to me. It is sad that you live with depression and it is cruel the way the illness kidnaps us, sometimes with little warning. Hold on to the fact that you are unwell and this is not your fault. In time this will pass, leaving you free to enjoy life with your partner in all its richness.
I hope this episode passes soon. Please seek help if you need it.
With love and courage…
Jay
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Thank you for the encouragement, Jay! You’re right, it is not my fault. I hope this passes quickly as well.
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I hear you and it is absolutely awful. But what remains constant is that this too shall pass. maybe not today but it will. hang in there megan!
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Thank you, Clouds! I’m trying!!
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I hear you! On all these things! I’m in a constant state of being drained otherwise I would say more….in short, you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for posting.
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Your words are enough for me. Thank you for your encouragement!
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Depression cycles. Hold on there, love. It will turn again as usual. You are already identifying these phases, so you are already getting better at having a grip on nerves. Lots of love and best wishes. We all are always here to listen. Keep posting ❤
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True, being able to identify a depressive cycle shows some growth. Thank you for your encouragement, Breeta!
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I know exactly how you’re feeling, I have been there far too often myself. And I also get frustrated and disappointed with myself when I fall back down the rabbit hole. It’s frustrating and seems so unfair that whenever joy comes around my way it’s short lived. I’ll be praying for you.
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Thank you, Cindy!!
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You know, being in that hole is so messy but one thing God has blessed the human spirit with is the ability to fight back….when those voices in your head try to tell you something you are not, stand up tall and courageously oppose them out loud, they’ll keep quiet, just say it to them….tell them you are a wonderful being by a wonderful Creator, tell it to their faces that they are powerless over you
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U know I fell so much that I wanted to kill myself, though it wasn’t easy overcoming……good music helps too(I have my music kit☺)…. Plus you know, look into the mirror and tell it to yourself that you are the best person anyone can ever have….look your fear in the face and stand up to fight…..this is a battle against the inner deepest part of you that wants to bring you down and the beautiful lovely part of you that is about to be manifested
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I love your words!! Seriously made my day 🙂 Thank you, Bjinspart!
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You are welcome, the least I could do for a sister…
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Hang in there. This is such an insidious disease. It knocks at our back door waiting to push its way though or for us to answer. Keep at it.
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That’s a great way of describing depression. Hits the nail on the head!
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That’s a great way of describing depression. Hits the nail on the head!
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“Feeling empty, sad, lazy and that I am not good enough for anyone or anything.”- This is me. Feeling for a considerable duration- as of now. Hang in there. You’re not alone. ❤
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Thank you, Jheelam! I’m trying to hang in there.
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Don’t feel disappointed in yourself! I know it’s hard not to, I’m in the midst of a depressive episode myself. Just know that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way and that those self-defeating thoughts about everything being your fault isn’t true. I hope you come out of this bad feeling soon! xo
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Thank you, Ally! I hope that you can get through this episode of depression as well.
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((hugs)) I want so desperately be in command of my brain, the chemicals, and emotions. But so much is out of my control. I think I’ve had to realize recently that it would be easier if I just hold on to a certain degree and only control or implement what I can. Taking medication, if necessary, pushing myself to get out of bed and take a shower, basically accepting the good with the bad. It does take a lot out of me but then I think about those moments that are good and they are worth getting back to. I hope you find relief. ❤
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Thank you, Susi, I hope you find relief as well! Finding control when everything is in entropy is so frustrating. Things will get better, I know that they will!
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❤
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