Dear Depression

We’re old friends aren’t we? You’ve sat within me for so long. You’ve been within me poisoning me. Like Iron Man’s arc reactor in the movie “Iron Man 2”. You’ve lied to me. Telling me that life isn’t worth it. That happiness doesn’t exist, at least it doesn’t exist for me. And I believed you. For a time I believed you and your lies. There was a time where I wondered what was the point of it all? Why fight?

But no more. I no longer believe your lies. I have risen beyond you. I know you will never completely go away. You’ll always be just beneath the surafce, ready to come out at the most inopportune moment. I have accepted that. Just know that things will never be the same as they were before. I will always fight you. Every step of the way. Every single day if necessary.

You are a liar. Happiness is possible. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. And I will always fight to be happy because my life is worth it. You are not. So I’m writing this to just let you know, you will never be victorious over me. I may falter, but I will never be beaten. You will never again defeat me. You did once, but like the legendary phoenix I have risen through the ashes and emerged stronger than ever before. All you’re doing is making me stronger. And now I try to pass that strength on to others. I will not be broken and defeated ever again. Not by you. You might as well give up. You’ve already lost.

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoSasha Freemind

21 thoughts on “Dear Depression

  1. Great post and I feel this, because I have been at a very low point myself, twice. The last one being the worst and I have risen like you fighting it. Good on you for fighting it too and I hope the fight gets easier.

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  2. Pingback: Dear Depression — The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog – Living My Life In 321

  3. I read this and I realize how mistaken I was. How lost I was in my own head. I let depression beat me. I let it beat me down. But, if it’s any consolation I’m going to stop letting it beat me. Mental health is no joke. You know that better then anyone. I wonder if you ever look back on this and see the comments of all the people you inspired with your strength. You definitely inspire me. In the past 4 months I’ve had ups and downs like you wouldn’t believe. My old demons reared themselves and for a time fear became my master. I forgot who I was. What I wanted. That I could want anything at all. I became stuck. I became stuck because all I could see was my situation and that situation wasn’t pretty. The going got tough and instead going with it I freaked out. Then I thought about true things. The only truth I could hold on to was that of love. The people I love. The things I love. I realized that I hadn’t been acting out of love for a while. I have never been so changed by anything in my entire life as I have been by the events these past months have brought me. The truth is depression and anxiety are difficult beasts for me. Finding in myself the strength to defeat them has been difficult. Moving forward has been difficult. In so many ways saying the words that I want to say has been difficult. I never imagined what heartbreak felt like, but it’s weird when you know you still feel so much love and that you’ll always feel that way. I went from learning my dad had suffered 4 mini strokes, to having a coworker threaten to beat me up after work out of the blue (to which no retribution was given), to a point where I wanted to forget everything, and then to a point where I knew I had to be honest or I would loose my mind more then I was already losing it. I haven’t been able to write haven’t been able to do much else but watch movies and YouTube and try to smile and laugh a little where I would. Then I read this post and I see… I see that when everything seems black and hopeless there is this light. The words I needed to read when I needed to read them. The spirit of you in this post. The strength to beat all of odds. The defiance in you against every dark cloud of a thought that dare cross your mind. A defiance I love. Also a defiance I could never seem to find in myself. I found my courage late. My approach toward mental health had often been to ignore it. Mostly because that’s what I’d been taught to do. But that is far from helpful. Also not helpful is my apathy, but I’m working on that. I look at myself fully and I see my stubbornness.. my anger.. my fear.. my selfishness.. my anxiousness.. my tendency to jump to conclusions.. (all stellar characteristics).. forgot to add sarcasm. But I also see my hope.. my want to do good.. my passion.. and the reasons why I do things the way I do them.. well-intentioned with often not so good results. So in the face of everything I see exactly what I need to do. Which is to be a Phoenix in my own right. Which I’m happy to say I think might not be too far off. Fear can make a heart blind. I’m so done with being blind. I’m done with the lies anxiety tells me. I’m done with fear. Thank you for being the one to help me see. To help me to see truth. To help me to understand what it is to love. Fear makes nothing into something true or not. Whatever you are doing now I hope you are well. Now if you excuse me I have some demons to exercise. I hear that holy water is extremely effective, but maybe this time I’ll give fire a chance?


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