Repressed Memories Resurface With C-PTSD

Growing up, I never realized my childhood wasn’t normal. I thought my life was similar to everyone else’s but with a different order of events or situations. I was 30 before everything started coming back. Small pieces at first. I didn’t have an official diagnosis, but I knew I had anxiety and I researched everything. This is when I first started contributing to The Mighty. As I continued researching, more memories returned; repressed memories. Repression of childhood trauma. I lived in the trauma for so long I thought it was normal. I thought domestic violence was normal.

It started when I was four. This was the first incident and I have few memories from anything prior. I’m told its normal for people to not remember much from their early childhood, but I feel the trauma has something to do with my lack of memories. The trauma continued for years. My older sister recalled I would rock back and forth with my arms crossed every time my parents started arguing. I don’t remember this. She said I did it for three or four years. There are so many things I don’t remember and part of me doesn’t want to remember.

After those years, I became emotionally detached. As I aged and went to high school and college, I had trouble relating to my peers. They didn’t understand my perspective and I didn’t see the joy in life they all saw. Few people wanted to spend time with me. When someone did, if they poked fun or ridiculed me, I would leave. They always thought I was bluffing. I grew up being ridiculed and treated like I was nothing. I didn’t want to be around that anymore. I spent nearly 30 years without emotional support from anyone. That’s a long time to feel alone.

I have a long journey ahead of me and I feel I won’t be able to have a healthy romantic relationship for many more years. I’m only now starting to get emotional support from other people. It’s only a handful of people but it’s a start. And I provide emotional support for them. I’m not broken but I need to heal. I’ll never be fully healed. The damage is too deep, and I spent years without treating it because I didn’t know I had damage. Time heals all wounds? Maybe. This wound needs all the time I have. If your wounds feel like too much, don’t give up. Give your wounds the time they need. Don’t stop fighting.

14 thoughts on “Repressed Memories Resurface With C-PTSD

  1. At least, parts of your childhood had, started to come back, and now, all you have to do, is to watch and listen to your past, tell you what happened back then, and it will be, painful, but, know that you have the strength, to overcome everything that’s already happened to you in life, good luck!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hopefully, you recover. Life can be hard, but hard roads make survivors.
    I grew up pretty rough too, but I think while “I’d love to have had advantages and comforts”… The journey thus far has made me who I am.
    I believe our burdens and damage can breed unique perspectives, empathies and ideas. We are social mutants that make evolution and change possible in society.
    Pain is a fire at the heels that will force you to run.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I really enjoyed this! I have a similar situation where a lot of childhood memories were suppressed and a lot of what we believe to be normal is not normal, but the fact that we are expressing ourselves and trying to make change is such a great experience in it’s own.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can relate to what you are writing here. I grew up abused and thought all families were like mine. I had nothing to compare mine too. Like you, I was about in my thirties when I found out mine was abusive. Prior to that, I knew I wanted nothing to do with any of them. They were and still are so hateful! Good for you to be sharing about this; I try to do the same and it does help. Never stop looking for the answers you need.

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  5. I realise exactly what you are saying. Memories come flooding back in the simplest form then wammo all comes flooding back. That is why I write away a lot of my feelings to remind myself how far I have travelled. I was abused right through my life now I live quietly with my dog who does everything and more to help.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It sounds like you have DAMP, (Deficiencies in Attention, Motor Skills and Perception) and I can know the problems it can bring, especially in childhood. What you are going through will be tough but with support, you can win through to the end.

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  7. This was very relatable as I am currently healing from complex trauma. Some wounds will require a lifetime of care and that is perfectly okay! Try to be gentle with yourself on this journey.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Great post. Very well written. Thank you for sharing. You helped me know I am not alone with my own experience. Your story sounds like mine. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma as well and my memories resurfaced about the same age as you and new feelings attached from my memories are resurfacing now after becoming psychotropic medication free. Thanks agaIn for your well written post. It helped me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s truly amazing how repressed memories work. I find it so intriguing that a person can go 30 years [or more] thinking that their upbringing was completely normal, without any major trauma. My heart goes out to you! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “Give your wounds the time they need.” These are powerful and truthful words. Unsafe people want us to rush and hurry up to get better. These wounds are deep and do require a lot of time to heal. And there will be scars. We will never be rid of it.

    Liked by 2 people

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