The Things I would Have Missed

/ my loud whispers of hope

I am a suicide attempt survivor and because of that I will never be the same again. On February 17, 2018 I should have died. On that day I should have closed my eyes for the last time. On that day I should have taken my last breath.

February 17, 2018 should have been my last day on earth

but

it

was

NOT.

I am alive

and

I appreciate and celebrate

each day of my life

more than I can comprehend.

I am beyond blessed to be alive. I am thankful every morning. I am thankful every second of every day. I can now experience the beauty of living more deeply and beautifully than I ever have before.

To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live.

~ Garth Stein

Right now a beautiful acoustic song plays in the background as I type on my computer and sit on a soft black leather couch in a coffee shop with my oldest daughter. I am beyond full of a peaceful contentment, joy and thankfulness for this day understanding how close I was to never experiencing ANYTHING on earth again.

I was too close to becoming NOTHING on earth. I was so close that my children almost did not have their mother on earth ever again. I’m assuming my oldest daughter is enjoying this moment with me at the coffee shop, as well. She most likely is not enjoying it as much as I am, but she was the one that invited me. She almost did not have a mother to invite. How awful that would have been. That is a lot to take in. It is an indescribable feeling that there are no words to convey the true meaning to the fullest extent of my emotions.

It is bittersweet in the fact that I know I am so blessed to be alive and I appreciate that and then the thoughts of suicide flood my mind with an overwhelming heartbreak of what suicide really is and is capable of. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are like a disease in and of itself. It could and should almost become its own illness separate of anything else. It is more than a symptom. Suicide and the thoughts that endure and destroy behind the monster it is take on a life of their own. Suicidal thoughts that lead up to suicide and/or suicide attempts are an apocalypse within a mental illness life and world of its own.

Suicide is the end.

Suicide is the result of making the biggest decision of your life at your weakest, darkest and worst moment of your life. ~Susan Walz

I often think of what I would have missed. This is a timeline of sorts. If February 17 , 2018 was my last day of my life, this is what I would have missed and my children would have missed having a mother for:

  1. My daughter Alexia winning grand champions at a Show Choir competition. I missed it as I was still in the hospital at the time, but at least I was alive to share her joy with her and tell her congratulations.
  2. Seeing my daughter perform at two more Show Choir competitions.
  3. Being there to see my daughter Kylie and son in-love Dennis move into their new house on April 12, 2018.
  4. Going to my children’s dance recitals. My oldest daughter Kylie, son Keagan and son in-love Dennis are dance teachers and choreographers. I love to watch dance and especially dances they are in and/or choreograph.
  5. Going to church with my children.
  6. Going to my daughter Alexia’s last show choir performance, and choir and band concerts as a senior in High Schoool.
  7. Going to Alexia’s convocation ceremony to see her receive three scholarship awards.
  8. Attending my daughter Alexia’s High School graduation.
  9. Bringing Alexia to the University of Minnesota to attend her college orientation and participating in the parent orientation. If God didn’t save my life, my Alexia would not have had a parent to attend her orientation with her.
  10. Going to my nephew’s wedding with my five children.
  11. Moving into my oldest daughter Kylie and son-love Dennis’ house. I needed to move because I couldn’t afford the house I was living in anymore and I am now on a waiting list for a townhouse to open up.
  12. Having wonderful heart to heart talks with Alexia. We had some of our best talks.
  13. Taking my daughter Alexia to the University of Minnesota to move into the dorms as a college freshman.
  14. Being there for my daughter Alexia when she called from college. She needed me, her mom. I love that.
  15. Starting my new job at an alternative school for special needs students. I get to teach and work with special needs children and young adults again. I get paid to give love. God is soooo… goooood.
  16. Having a wonderful time living with Kylie and Dennis.
  17. Going to the coffee house with my daughter Kylie, today.

Related image

I continue to feel better every day and I continue to appreciate the beauty of living and just being ALIVE. When life gets tough, I try to remember how I was almost not here. Nothing can be worse than that and nothing feels worse than I felt at that moment in my life. I thank God for saving my life, every day.

I am not saying I am completely symptom free and that my life is super easy because it isn’t. I still have to cope with occasional anxiety, but nothing like it was when I was still on Klonopin. I have PTSD and have been triggered by PTSD symptoms lately. I am dealing with that and will be starting therapy shortly to help tackle it. I occasionally still have some minor rapid cycling and mixed bipolar episodes. However, my symptoms are nothing compared to how severe and debilitating they were before and at the time of my suicide attempt.

I have finally learned how to cope with my symptoms better and I look for the beauty in life and find it easier to find now. I do this and can do this now because I was so close to not having a life to live due to my suicide attempt. I am beyond blessed to be alive.

Today. Right now. This is a good day and moment. I try to appreciate them and hold on to them when they happen. I live one moment at a time and enjoy it because I never know what tomorrow will bring. None of us do.

Life is a blessing and a gift. Handle it with care. Life is fragile, but don’t be afraid to live your life. Take some chances. Don’t be afraid to fall because sometimes you have to fall first before you can F.L.Y. (first love yourself), thrive and soar.

Do you know Jesus? He saved my life.

Image result for God saved my life

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…

Remember in September.

Prevent suicide yesterday.

Today, may be too late.

Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.

Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret. 

Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.

If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions.

Together we can do this. It takes a village…

and this wonderfully beautiful blogging community…

24/7 CRISIS SUPPORT

suicide 25

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved

38 thoughts on “The Things I would Have Missed”

  11. Thank you for writing this. I’m feeling how you described feeling before and I’m struggling to find reason to believe my life could be any different. I’m trying but it’s the most taxing thing I’ve ever been through. It’s nice to read something like this from somebody who has been there. I started blogging maybe three weeks ago just as a way to vent because I felt like I had no one to talk to who wouldn’t look at me weird if I said how much I longed to not deal with things. Since starting writing again and then reading other blogs, it’s helped more than I expected. Maybe I’ll make a list of things I want in life that I could miss if I do it and read it to myself when I am at my worst.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • You have people to talk to. I promise you do. You are not alone. I have been blogging almost two years now and I know for certain that blogging and this blogging community has helped me more than I can convey in proper words. Writing is so therapeutic and this blogging community is full of loving and caring people that understand because they are living it too. I am sorry I took so long to comment back. I have been very busy and sometimes I don’t get to my comments soon enough and get behind writing them. If you want to stay connected more closely please let me know and I will write back sooner. It is something I always strive for anyway. I keep working on that. I wonder if being procactive (like you mentioned) about writing a list would be helpful. I think it would. It is way better than writing it after. That is a very wonderful idea. Please let me know if you give it a try and let me know if it helped at all. Much love always and hugs, Sue

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • Thank you. I have tried reaching out and maybe I just have too high of expectations because it always feels like people are tired of it, they have simple solutions and are annoyed when I say I have tried them, or they are weirded out. I have my ex of seven years and my current partner as well but they both their own things going on and I don’t know, it’s really lonely and isolating to think that the only people interested in really being connected to you are your college sweetheart and your current boyfriend who, kind of has to or at least should, be invested in helping you work through it. They are both amazing but I don’t know. I feel isolated which is odd because I have never tried harder to reach out to people in my life and every time I do, it just feels like I’m putting my hand on a hot stove again to see if its cool, knowing the heat is going to burn me anyways.

        I just started blogging a little over a month ago so it’s nice to here after two years that it has really helped you. It has helped me to a degree but I still feel pretty isolated in that too. I comment on other people’s blogs and tweets and things but I struggle to engage them, even when it is about things that could benefit them, like this People Like You thing I’m trying to do (long story). I have some awesome followers already that I am really, really lucky to have. They do comment from time to time but I don’t know, I guess I am feeling really disconnected from people in my physical environment, even when I think I’m trying but somehow falling short, and I also feel the same way online and just in everything, as if I’m lost and confused in a subway and trying to ask people for directions but everybody is in such a rush that almost nobody looks at me. I know that’s dramatic and that your response is an example of why my feelings aren’t rational.

        Also, I can really appreciate that it took you a while. Honestly, it takes me more time to comment back on things like this because when people say things that are kind or something I kind of crawl back into my shell. I would love to stay connected.

        I think I might write a list. I have been thinking about it so far. I will let you know if I do :).

        Liked by 2 people

      • Yikes. I am very sorry I took so long to comment. I am so sorry. This is not how I want to do this. Thank you for reading and for sharing yourself with me. I am very sorry you are having a hard time right now. I pray things will get easier for you in the near future. You should never feel like you are a burden to others. It is okay to not be okay and your friends should understand this. I am sure they want to help you. But to be able to help you they need to know how and what you need. Please never be afraid to reach out to others. We are all supposed to be there for others and support each other, especially your boyfriend. It took me a long time to get followers and to feel connected on my blog. It is a slow process but you will get there. Please realize dear that whatever you are feeling is the correct way to feel. Ity is all okay. Your perspective is your perspective. There is no other right way to feel other than the way you feel. Please try not to dismiss your own feelings They are yours and yours only. Everyone is different and there is beauty in our differences. There is beauty in YOU. DIfferences need to be celebrated at all times. Blogging has been extremely therapeutic for me but it took awhile to notice how therapeutic it has been for me. It took me a while to figure out what to do on my blog and how to do it. I am not that great of a writer. I just have a story to tell so I have been trying to learn how to write. You are a great writer. Keep up the great work on your blog and you will see the positive difference and impact you are making in other’s lives. I think one of the greatest ways my blog is therapeutic for me was and is that I learned I am/was also helping other people. When we help others, essentially we are helping ourselves and that is beautiful. Did you make a list yet? Was it helpful to write it?

        Like

  12. Ugh *hear. That is my pent peeve. It’s one in the morning and I wrote it correctly initially then for some reason changed it. I’m sorry for the long message. I just got a bit carried away and appreciate you reaching out to my comment.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • You do not have to apologize for writing a lot. I love that you did that. I apologize for being so slow to respond again. I am going to work on that again. I have been so busy lately because I started a new job etc. etc… I think things are going to finally settle down again soon. I hope so. I miss reading other peoples blogs etc. I haven’t had much time for that lately. I pray you are doing well. Blessings. Much love and hugs, Sue

      Like

      Reply

Leave a comment