My last Suicide

I wanted to open with I am 100% against suicide. I believe suicide is preventable. I share my story for those who, at this moment, are thinking that its the only option in life. That is so far from the real truth. Learn from what happened to me.

I have written other posts so please check them out.

Why Suicide?

How Suicide Affects Families

As it is suicide prevention month, I wanted to share this blog post again.

Suicide is always a topic I hate to write about, but its important for me to continue to analyze my experiences so that when the subject is moved to my memoir The Bipolar Writer, it will be a polished work.

This blog post will be about my last suicide in 2010.

This is a hard one to think and write about because it was the suicide that changed the course of my life up to this point. I can still feel how much I wanted to end my life that day, and yet here I am seven years later writing about what led up to this event.

It’s interesting to note that this suicide attempt happened in the summer of 2010, June to be exact. I write this because my other two major suicide attempts and when the most times in my life I have had suicide idealizations were in the winter months.

The actual event, the hospital stay, in the beginning, the coma, most of what happened after I took a large dosage of my sleeping pills, and Seroquel is really a blur. I was unconscious for most of it, and what I do know came from family members. It was all bad. The doctor basically told my mother I might not survive. There was little hope considering I was in a medically induced coma for three days.

But somehow I got out of it.

The days, weeks, and months leading up to this “event” is also a blur. I remember the major parts but in my mind, its all jumbled because every part of what led me to try to take my life was lost in endless darkness. My thoughts were always dark during this time, but I can remember doing what I call “last things” in the time leading up to the event.

I played my favorite role-playing games for “the last time.”

I spent time with my small group of friends as much I could in the weeks leading up to my suicide attempt “for the last time.”

I watched my favorite television shows for “the last time.”

I listened to all my favorite artist and songs “for the last time.”

I made sure to eat my favorite Japanese foods like sushi and sashimi for “the last time.”

I spent what little money I had left for “the last time.”

About the only thing I didn’t do during this time was to say goodbye to anyone. It was months of thinking, and hoping that I could save myself, but the end result was me losing faith in who I was in that moment. It was a dark place but I was there so often by the time the night came, I felt real peace and serenity when I put those pills in my hand.

I really wanted to die.

I am not proud of this at all, but the fact is this was my life. I was so lost in the endless deep of my depression that I didn’t think about what it would mean if I no longer existed. I failed to grasp that I would be leaving people behind. Important people that loved me. I was selfish. Suicide is a selfish choice. I can say that because three times I made a stupid selfish choice.

But I am here.

And hopefully, I can reach at least one person who believes that suicide is the only answer.

The end of this story is one of hope. First I spent weeks in the hospital for the overdose. Then, a day or two after being released I started having seizures. I had quite a few over two days and then spent more time in the hospital. As I lay there having no control over my life I made the choice to, for the first time, to truly believe that my diagnosis was the right one.

It took over two years but I made good decisions. I got healthy. I made the best decision of my life to go back to school. Its never easy but I am close to finishing my bachelor’s degree. It took some time but I started writing a few years ago and more serious over the last almost two years now. I am writing a memoir. I finished a full-length screenplay and I am close to finishing the novel version. I started this blog which has been my place of solace.

What I want people to take from this blog post is that no matter how dark and deep you are into depression and suicide, it is never the answer to not be a part of this world. People will miss you.

What if…

What if I would have succeeded? All the good that has happened in my life and even some of the bad would never have happened. I wouldn’t be here writing to you my fellow bloggers of the mental illness community. I would have never met some of the most amazing people in the world.

There is a reason why most of my blogs end in this saying…

Always Keep Fighting.

You’re worth it to me.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Jonathan Pendleton

144 thoughts on “My last Suicide

  1. Thank you for sharing this! I feel like it couldn’t have come into my email at a better time. I’ve been sinking in the darkness of anxiety and depression, and not wanting to necessarily die, but just being tired of breathing and thinking. You’ve reminded me that every day is a fight worth fighting!

    Liked by 7 people

    • It really is. There are just days where life beats you up and anxiety/depression controls us. I found my writing as my place of solace. You can find yourself in something. I am always here to talk and I am always willing to listen.

      Let me know if you ever need anything. Always keep fighting.

      J.E. Skye

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Thankyou for sharing: You’re one brave soul ❤

    Noted your analysis of the 'winter' months … I am like this too and have friends that are the same. We decided to do 'hibernation' during winter and embrace it, check in with each other and find alternatives during this time. I love winter now … especially the rain. But I make sure I 'spoil' myself a little bit more and do the things I love ❤

    PS: I'm glad you're still here 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you so much for this post. Suicide is a major taboo and I still hesitate to talk about it so thank you for making it easier. I have a few questions of my own that have been bothering me if it’s ok to ask:
    1) Do things ever get better? I feel like it’s one after the other and my low moods never uplift. I almost always feel suicidal and I feel stuck as if I’ll always be like this. Is it worth fighting every day?
    2) Is there really a treatment out there for me? I’ve tried a few antidepressants, counselling and CBT and so far none have helped. I feel I am beyond help and the health system is failing me and so many others. Is there actually something that works or is it a dead end?
    3) How do you build your resilience to get through all the challenges of life? My lack of energy and motivation make it so difficult to cope with anything, no matter how little.

    Thanks again and sorry for the questions. Love your blog and all your posts 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t mind the questions at all, and I will try to answer the best that I can.

      1) Yes things get better. A lot of it is changing your perspective or leaving your house. It’s the little things that help me get through. Writing for me is more than just my passion. It helps me organize my thoughts and helps me work through my issues. My advice is find a passion and go after it. When my mood is low I write. It’s not going to be easy. Even today I wrote all morning but I felt my mood lower for a while so I am taking time to just be. I wish there was a perfect answer but I take it a day at a time. It’s the little battles like getting out of bed. Every day. Take a shower. Go for a short walk. Listen to music you love. Smile. Smiling is such a mood booster.

      2) antidepressants are tough to find the right ones. I am looking into alternative treatments. Here is California marijuana is becoming legal next month. They have actual gummies that you can take that help with anxiety and depression. I am looking into getting a service dog for anxiety to deal with my high level anxiety lately. I meditate in the morning and night. I do mindfulness breathing.

      I can understand your frustration with the system. It isn’t great I know from experience (I am actually writing a piece on this very subject) but even if it’s failing you, it’s important to keep fighting. Make them help you. It’s never a dead end. Find a group for group therapy (if you are okay for that.)

      3) I try through just willpower. I keep fighting. I keep looking for my purpose in life. I drink lots of coffee for energy but honestly just getting out of bed each day helps. It was a slow process between my last suicide and now. Seven years of failing and winning battles along the way. It may sound cliche but you might never win the war, so you win enough battles to get you through.

      I hope this helps. You can email me if you have more questions

      Liked by 2 people

  4. This is my fear for Nicole. Why I am such a strong advocate for Mental Health and talking about it, whenever it is possible, I strike up the conversation whenever I can, with all my children’s friends and always tell them they can come talk to me. You are so strong and we hope to keep hearing these powerful blog posts from you!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Man, thank you for being brave and sharing your experience. I have struggled with dark days and thought about this at times. But what you say is so right, to keep going. I have a young relative having suicidal thoughts at the moment and struggling with depression. It’s heartbreaking to see but your experience rings so true and gives further insight into the thoughts, the pain and the will to keep going. Through your experiences you are helping so many by sharing them. I work as a counsellor, which I wanted to do to help others and stories like yours can help so many. You are inspiring James and brave. Keep sharing and keeping on.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am sorry to hear about your young relative. It saddens me that our youths are turning more and more to suicide than seeking help. Bullying and stigma of what you are if you have a mental illness has to change. I hope it works out for you relative. I am glad that you are a counselor we need more people like you.


      • Thanks James. It’s very sad. I agree. The stigma does have to change. I am working hard to do my bit to help that change. Your writing is also helping do that. The more people that share their experiences, the less it can be ignored or taboo.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. When you talked about finding yourself doing “last things” my heart sunk. I am not suicidal but, if I died today I would not care. I have PTSD and just went through a horrible flash back period. Without getting into too much detail, I am finding myself doing things with this “last time” in my head. Thank you for sharing your life!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so glad you are still here. Thank you for keeping fighting against that darkness, even though it’s so hard sometimes.

    Suicide is very tough and stigmatised to talk about, and I wish it was easier. Not only for my seventeen-year-old self who attempted in her room, but for my almost-brother (our families grew up together and we always referred to each other as siblings) who suicided two months after my father died. He was so incredibly intelligent, not just intellectually but emotionally, and he was so lost in those months leading up to it. I think of him almost every day, and I wonder what amazing contribution he would have made to this world had he not died.

    I don’t know whether my beautiful brother felt alone when he died, he didn’t have a history of depression, but he definitely wasn’t. I do think he felt he didn’t make a positive difference in people’s lives, and he couldn’t have been more wrong. Over 500 people came to his funeral. He touched at least 500 lives and made them better in his 17 years. Imagine what he could have done with the rest of his life.

    No one can fully know what a positive difference they make to others lives, but I am sure that every single person who reads this has made a positive difference in someone’s life. I know your writing has made a massively positive difference in many peoples lives, James, and I’m so happy you are still around to appreciate that. Thank you.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Wow.

      I wasn’t expecting you to share so much personal stuff about suicide affecting your life. It’s amazing that 500 people came to his funeral. If only he knew that he touched so many lives. I know I already asked you this but I would like you to be one of my first interviews when I expand my blog to add interviews. If you don’t mind I would like to know more about your brother (I have a brother like that who isn’t blood but he might as well be). Thank you for sharing as always.


  8. Suicide is NOT selfish. I’m disappointed and alarmed that you would say that on a site where people may come for reassurance or answers. In many cases taking one’s life is the bravest and most selfless thing a human can possibly do. Sometimes it is even the correct thing to do. Of course this is just your opinion and experience but it’s a complicated subject and one that should be handled carefully, especially online and especially when trying to raise awareness/challenge stigma surrounding mental illness. This post is like two steps forward, one step back IMHO. But I really do wish you well and good luck with your memoir xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • I could have worded it differently but I stand by what I said. My reason is that suicide never just hurts the person. The people we love have to live with our choices, we don’t. I disagree that taking ones life is selfless and brave. There are always better answers. Maybe it’s just me looking my own past and realizing what I did was selfish because it was, I will never glamorize suicide as brave and selfless. It’s something that needs to be talked about so that more people can look towards getting help rather than give into darkness. I respect your opinion, all I ask is that you understand where I am coming from.

      Liked by 1 person

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  10. Thank you, as always, for sharing your story. I’m happy that the pills didn’t work, and that your body fought for its survival. The situation has taught you so much, as hard as it’s been. It’s always worth the fight, the darkness just makes you forget about everything else in the big picture.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I appreciate that you’re working on advocating for mental health, but I’m worried that calling suicide selfish will make suicidal people feel bad about feeling that way.

    Liked by 3 people

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  15. Have you heard about my NuCompanion device? It is a companion for creative people who tend to stick to themselves and don’t talk much. Also, but haven’t tested it yet, for people in coma.


  16. I also tried to take my life 5 years ago in January. I have always been happy upbeat and friendly nice person but into 2007 I found out my husband was having an affair after 10 years of marriage and we work together and in his family business and I escaped through some drugs but I didn’t want to kill myself I wanted him to pay for what he done to me n especially our kids as he left the house With the clothes on his back and he never looked back and he’s never apologized he met her in AA. Then I got severely injured at work at the business we own n I now have 10 herniated disc‘s I needed arm surgery on my left arm which is dominant arm I have rods and plates in my arm and all the ligaments of re tore n my arm will never be the same. The Doctors put me on diludid n fentynol which I knew nothing about. Every month I would see my pain management doctor and my neurologist and get epidurals blocks Physical Therapy anything and everything to try and get out of the pain I was in plus I couldn’t work anymore so into thousand 13 I Nick him so depressed over the last few years prior that I decided I was going to take my life that everyone would be better off without me. I took a 100 die lauded pills I put 4 100 Mcg fentynol patches on my back I took 90 volume 90 Flexeril and whatever else I could get my hands on my daughter with her on that day she was 23 yrs n after I took the medicine I went to get my small Pomeranian I wanted to die next to her while she laid on me apparently my daughter found me and pills all over the floor and my body was swelling up I was barely alive I was rushed to the hospital put on life-support and I was unconscious for three days when I woke up first thing I said was I guess I didn’t take enough pills I wanted to die this was the first attempt and the only attend I would ever make it was horrible I had to put in every orifice of my body I was on life-support they wouldn’t take that tube out yet I was strapped down my hands and feet to the bed it was horrific and look in my children’s face my 22 year-old daughter and my 15 year-old son n my philandering estranged husband were at my bedside crying all three of them I will never forget my daughter and sons faces in the look of disappointment and that just made me wish I had died more they didn’t need me I was useless I was always in the hospital or a doctors having procedures my life had become nothing and I will never work again as I write this today I am in severe pain I got off of the diludid and fentanyl because I had to have a thoracotomy last year which is one of the most painful surgeries you can have and they couldn’t control my pain due to the high doses of fentynol and diludid I was on. I got off those meds last June myself. My son used his Experience of my suicide attempt for his college thesis and he got into 20 or more colleges so I guess some good came out of it I came out of it with nothing wrong with me no liver problem no brain damage I also had no desire to smoke cigarettes and God was watching out for me and knew my kids needed me and I am so glad and grateful that I’m alive today even in the pain I’m in going through divorce selling my house this is all happening now and it’s very depressing n stressful but I’m handling it as I’m a survivor n I am not a victim anymore and I won’t let anyone treat me like shit anymore either to make me feel like I’m nobody because I am somebody and I’m worth living thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  17. We all matter. Personally, I am happy that you survived. Suicide is not an option, though It’s always on my mind. But we can fight this together…right?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I cried reading your post because I’m in this darkness that I can’t seen to get out. I’m trying so hard but everything around me is collapsing. I know I need help but I need to keep my emotions within, nothing helps me anymore. My biggest fear is that I will attempt and fail and it will be worse for my family. Everything must have an end at some point.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Thank you for sharing this. I can only imagine how hard it is to write about this kind of stuff- I myself am a writer at heart and am beginning to take it seriously, and I am not at a point where I could put my similar experiences in words as it’s so painful.

    I cried while reading this and it wasn’t really sadness…. it was more like a realization that other people around the world feel these feelings and do these things because…. because of damn depression and other mental illnesses.

    It’s good to see people who suffer from these things survive and thrive in a way that may never have seemed possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so incredibly brave of you. I’ve never been actively suicidal, but I’ve thought so many times of ending my own life… reading stories like this make me grateful that I never tried, and open my eyes to how much of a gift life is. Thank you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  21. This is such a brave post for you to have written – like you, writing is my solace. It’s such an interesting thing to go back and analyse one’s own mental health battles and put yourself into that mindset but I think it is so beneficial: we can always become stronger and each day is an accomplishment.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I agree with everything you wrote as I usually do. You are an amazing writer with beautiful insight. I hate to do this but I do disagree with you in saying that suicide is selfish. I feel that is a blanket statement and we can never generalize. We cannot get into the minds of people that actually died by suicide. We do not know what they were thinking or what they were possibly hearing. I believe suicide is not a selfish act, but is an act caused by a very sick mind. As a mental illness advocate I feel it is imperative that we do not become part of the stigma. I believe saying suicide is selfish stigmatizes and hurts others that are suicide attempt survivors and the loved ones of people that actually died by suicide. I do not believe it is a selfish act, because for many years I fought my suicidal ideations. I never wanted to hurt my children. My children are my life. On the day of my suicide attempt, my perception of reality was gone and wrong. I believed my children would eventually be better off without me. Many people who attempt suicide or die by suicide believe people would be better off without them. This thinking of course is very wrong, but it is the only reality and perception the person has. So to say suicide is a selfish act would be inaccurate. Suicide is usually an act caused from symptoms of a severe mental illness or other types of neurological impairments. Suicide or attempts occur when a person has a chemical imbalance in the brain and acts on wrong impulses and misfirings in the brain. I had no fight left in me. There was no fight to fight. The decision had been made and I felt like I did not have any choice. I acted without thinking. It was as if I was pushed and told this is what I had to do. It does not make sense to me right now, but the voices and my thoughts were so far gone that I feel like I was not there. Even days before and after my attempt my children say it didn’t seem like I was there. It was not me. I believe the most important message to get out regarding suicide is to tell people to get help right away when you have suicidal thinking. You cannot keep fighting off the urges and thoughts. One day you will lose the ability to fight. Just like me. Please go get help. I am sorry to voice my opinion on this, but as a mental illness advocate myself I wanted to put a different light on this very dark subject of suicide. These are just my thoughts on the topic. Hugs to you, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

  23. This both beautiful and sad at the same time. I have a friend whom I want to help but I can’t do much. It pains me how she feels the heaviness of her burdens. She has become more tired each day. It’s a difficult battle and I never wanna see her lose. I hope for her finally see her happiness.

    Thanks for posting! Glad you have overcame and now being able to share your experiences to more people who needs to read this.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I feel blessed by your writing right now.
    I found delight love in what you just wrote.
    Am happy right now. Again such a beautiful writing.
    The analysis about the suicide post is quite good and OK. I Enjoy such post

    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Thanks    for accepting and following my blog.

    I’m available to read your post at my convenient time.

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    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  26. Thank you for sharing. Our darkest hours can bring light into someone else’s lives like stars in the sky. Suicide isn’t a debate over selfish or selfless, I believe a heart is totally broken at that moment, whether it be a person or a great miracle, sometimes, we survive. For a reason further down the journey… I’m glad your here today. I’ve been in that dark place and pulling myself up hasn’t been easy. You opening your heart, sharing, gives me inspiration. Thank you again.

    Liked by 2 people

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  28. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing. I coach people every day with mental health issues to live their best lives, and it NEVER stops blowing me how raw and vulnerable people can be when sharing their suicide stories. You must help loads of people with what you do. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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