Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence. – Edgar Allan Poe
Then There Are Days
In this Bipolar Life, there will be days where everything in your life goes right that day, but nothing feels right. Today (Saturday) was an all-around okay day. I spent the day doing what I love, watching the start of the college football season (my team Alabama is #1 in the country.) Every year when it is the first game of the Alabama Crimson Tide season, I go out, get a pizza, and watch the game. I even multitasked and watched baseball. The day went as planned and to be honest I should not complain.
But, from the moment I opened my eyes today, there was a sinking feeling deep inside. I was lost in what felt like my old friend depression, but was it? I can hardly tell these days. I have gotten so good over the years knowing where a day like this could take me that I was able to function despite the disconnect. I got up, took a shower, made my bed, got dressed and ran errands in the morning. I got home and worked on a blog post. Then I spent the remainder of my day watching sports as planned. That feeling, as I sit alone here writing my thoughts at the end of the day, has failed to dissipate.
To be honest, I think I am still cycling between mania and depression. I can tell my mood swinging up and down so rapidly from moment to moment my mind is failing to keep up. Then social anxiety will creep in and make like impossible. I am always fighting this, but I honestly thought this could be a great summer. It was the first summer in four years where my priority was not school and summer was just a time where my symptoms were not so severe.
I thought, “okay you have the summer to get your life together, James.” It has not been so good. The mania, depression, and social anxiety have played havoc on my life. I find myself once again in isolation, the place that I go when life is too hard.
It is almost like a prison because, though I do most of my work from home anyway, not leaving the house again has really put me in a bummed mood. I feel lately like escaping my mental illness for just a few hours a day is a process. I have become scared again. The “what if’s” and “wasted hours/days” are starting to feel overwhelming. I am alone almost every moment lately.
This was supposed to be the summer where I got to enjoy being who I am, but I have primarilyspent it trying to survive the day hour by hour. It is such a daunting feeling because fall is right around the corner. That leads to what I fear the most– winter.
It is a legitimate fear, the fear of the unknown because my history is never good during the winter months. It might seem like an irrational fear, but when you have struggled as I have this summer it easy to imagine six more months of hardship when winter hits. I guess in some ways it would be nice to take a break. I put a lot of pressure on the summer that has not happened. I am way too much a perfectionist that when things go wrong I have real trouble dealing with the reality.
I have only twenty-nine days left before I start my Master’s Program on October 1st. Things have to start changing this month. There needs to be at all levels a better attitude going forward if I am going to move forward from this recent struggle.
I keep going. I continue to write my experiences and find my place in this world. It will be an interesting month. Stay tuned.
Always Keep Fighting