At Times, You Must Walk Throught the Fire

How a Depression Cycle Ruled my Week

I have had the pleasure of tracking my depression over the years. I know from my experiences over the last three years that March is usually the end of the Seasonal Affective Disorder side of my diagnosis if you don’t know what that is you can find more about my own experiences here.

It is also true that I struggle with depression in April, which is usually the transitional month before my depression eases into the summer months beginning in May. It is no surprise then that the past week I have slipped into a small depression cycle.

My last few weeks have been marked by so much work and things to get done. This week was a culmination of weeks of work as I had to do a voiceover on my diversity project (on the mental health of college minorities) and finish my final paper for my State and local government class.

The last two days have been a struggle. I could find a reason to blog. I went almost all week without writing a blog, which always makes me sad. I love to write and share every week but my depression— my oldest companion— got the best of me. Each day starting on Monday I would work as long as possible before giving up and laying in bed. My old habits came back, and more than once I didn’t get out of bed at all. I hate those unproductive days. I even skipped my therapist appointment which will set me back so much, and the summer is coming fast. I am dealing better and keeping my panic attacks from taking over, but I am still fearful that my summer plans will not happen.

At times, you must walk through the fire to get rid of depression— and I did that yesterday. I woke up and decided that this would be the day it changes.

In retrospect, this depression cycle was only five days long. I was hoping that there would be no more cycles this year, but it is a part of my life. I know that there is no hiding from my companion depression— and some days you have to give into the fire to walk through it coming up stronger on the other side. I hope I have done that because the next two weeks I will see the end of my semester, and some time off. That means finally getting to proofread and edit my memoir.

Life is really about cycles and not just depression cycles. In this mental illness life, we are no strangers to the ups and downs. It comes down to finding ways to survive. This part of the journey, the struggles of the worst parts of ourselves, is what life worth living. When you look at the grand scheme of life, not every day will be the worst day ever. Keep fighting and know that you are not alone in this world.


James Edgar Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoFelix Russell-Saw

unsplash-logofreddie marriage

20 thoughts on “At Times, You Must Walk Throught the Fire

  1. I always enjoy your posts very much. They’re always equal part insightful/informative, but also very inspiring and full of hope and encouragement. Your positive spin/perspective is always great to read, especially for me, as I fight through my own troubles. I’m eager to hear about your brighter days ahead, as May rolls around. Good luck as you hustle through your last few weeks of the semester. I know you will come out at the top! Enjoy the rest of the weekend, as well.
    All the best,
    Jocelyn | soul&scribble

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your kind words Jocelyn (I have a sister with that name!) I do what I can to share my experiences both with my past and current struggles. Mental illness in my life is always evolving because I have been at it for so many years I found ways that work. After my last suicide attempt in 2010 I knew that someday I would get to the point where I could share my life. I am so happy that you know your not alone in this. If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to ask.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you. I am moved by how compassionate you are, James. I am sad to hear about your suicide attempt, but am also glad that you’re in the process of healing. And, through telling your story, through writing, none the less. Writing is super cathartic for me, and I get that it’s not always easy to make yourself that venerable — to share your story with the world. Also, I hear you when you say that your mental illness has evolved throughout our life. Mine has as well. It’s fluctuate quite a bit in my adult life, yet, today, I am just happy to be well — well enough to want to live! A feeling that didn’t exist before mental illness. Even if this moment doesn’t last forever, it’s here now, and I’ll take it! Sending lots of love and light your way!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I take a lot from hearing about other people’s experiences with depression mainly because they can put into words similar experiences I have been undergoing better than I can. This is another of those posts! Deciding to walk through the fire is a feeling I know too well. It feels like a battle against all odds for me and leaves me exhausted. Only to recuperate and arm myself up for the next “cycle” whenever it chooses to strike. I wish you the best, and I wish you good days ahead! And know that I mean that sincerely. All the best.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I try to do my best to make how I feel relatable. This past week truly felt like walking through fire. I am glad you made a connection to my post, thank you for the wishes of good days ahead. I wish you the same. We can only move forward.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I can relate with this post as I’ve felt similarly in the past. I’m happy for you that you pushed through the “fire”, willpowering your way through things so that way you stopped the depression from progressing further. Not an easy thing to do at the time, but something that my future self always feels proud about looking back. I wish you the best as the weeks roll forward!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your posts are always great. Thank you for writing and sharing. ❤
    I have been in a funk with anxiety the past few days, and the endless winter we've been in in Iowa hasn't been helping me much.
    But after coming out of the fog of the past week, I made the decision to seek therapy both for myself and my relationship. I'm scared – I've never been one to ask for help, ever – but I'm also looking forward to finally talking about this and finding solutions that work for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi James, I am new to blogging and I started my blog more as a way to get down some of the thoughts in my head, not really knowing where it will take me but I am so pleased that it has led me to pages such as yours which I wouldn’t have come across otherwise. Your writing is an inspiration and you put into words so much better than I could the way that your dark phases affect you. Thank you for sharing. It is so hard being in those moments isn’t it but your acceptance of these phases just being that is so uplifting. I look forward to reading more from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If you can notices the triggers that sends you into a depressive cycle, then, you may have an easier time, avoiding the stimuli that might trigger these depressive cycles, and then, you might be able to, get rid of your bipolar for once and for all…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Again, we have another disorder in common. In all of my years of therapy, I was never told about cycles. You have lightened my heart, James. I feel awful if I have one pajama day a week, if month. Cycling makes so much sense! You are achieving so, so much more than the average bear, buddy! Blessings!!! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your kind words. Some therapists and psychologists don’t like like to use cycling unless your Bipolar. But I think it makes sense. I can relate every stretch of depression with some break and peace. So it’s natural to say that depression cycles. It depends on the “expert.” Personally I feel more comfortable when some describes the exact way I feel. Have a great day.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Pingback: My Longest Depression Cycle of 2018 – The Bipolar Writer

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s