Letting go of toxic relationships.

Letting go of people is never fun, (especially if it’s over the side of a cliff) yet I am growing, and might I add painstakingly, to realize it’s just a part of life.
As a disclaimer I need each and every one of you to know that I don’t pretend to be the only person who understands the depth of emotions that so cheerfully accompanies saying goodbye to someone, however when I write it usually comes as if I am the Lewis and Clark (yes both simultaneously) of first hand experiences. The joke being they weren’t the first and they couldn’t have done it without Sacajawea. (yeah, yeah they made some maps and stuff.) With that being said, let the dramatics begin!

When you first realize you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship it is more or less comparable to the sting after a hard slap in the face. Hypothetically the hard slaps have been happening gradually over months, years, decades and in the most unfortunate cases; a lifetime. I don’t particularly feel like chronicling my isolated experience, I’d prefer to speak more vaguely about it (I like to maintain some privacy).

I’ve usually prided myself on the fact that I can read people fairly well, I’ve got strong instincts and I sense energies, (don’t worry I’m not a witch but thank God we aren’t in Salem, Massachusetts circa 1692-1693) Anyway, through out the years I have had distinct moments where I assessed the relationship in question, I knew some behaviors were unhealthy and I took note of them.
I’m wonderful at understanding why people are the way they are (we are whatever we say we are, and if we weren’t why would we say we are?) although I am afraid I have spent too much time justifying people and their actions. I have missed a lot of opportunities to reason whether or not a person is or isn’t healthy for me.

In truth, I have done the dirty work that is removing cancerous people from my life, but now I have the daunting task of saying goodbye to my best friend. We’ve know each other for about 13 years and as one could imagine, we have so many shared experiences. She was there for me through many tough times and vice versa; I’m trusting that you understand what a friendship entails. It’s surreal in many ways. Romantic relationships come and go but it’s been bff and bffl ever since elementary.

Now, I understand there isn’t much point dragging you all down memory lane, it wouldn’t be conducive for anybody, especially myself. I don’t hold anything against her, like I said I understand why she is the way she is, but I’m just now fully realizing that I can’t allow myself to be treated this way. If someone were to spill coffee on my lap I’d probably apologize to them, and that’s pretty much how our relationship has been.

So, no. Slaps in the face, the sting afterwards and hot coffee spilled on laps aren’t the best experiences, but I do thank her for the good times because there were many.

I wish her nothing but the best, but I’d be lying to you all if I told you I won’t be experiencing my own private sort of hell for awhile.

Pain is a shared experience and so is learning.

Your friend,

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoHenri Pham


  1. Yes. All of this. Explains me perfectly. I apologize when it’s not my fault. I try to see the good in people and justify their actions. I’ve just recently started cutting negativity and toxic people out. And I’ve been in the cut the bff off situation. Not childhood friends but a decades worth. Always there for each other. Covered for the other when one went someone they weren’t supposed to. My maid of honor and godmother to my daughter. And then one day she just started cancelling plans at the last minute. And I realized if I didn’t contact her first we didn’t talk. It’s exhausting. I finally got to the point where I told her what was up, because that’s what friends do you know. And she apologized and then never spoke to me again. I still struggle with the end of our friendship. But it was for the best

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  2. I am there with you, for me, it is not a long friendship, but a short best-friendship. Yes, all my friend has done, spilled coffee and I apologize for being in the way. I love the person. I understand now those things I cannot change. I know it was me getting in my own way all along. I know better. I should have known better, to move on. I now must take that sad untied step away.

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  3. You have a beautiful soul. Why would you think you would be in a toxic relationship? Now to finally admit to yourself that you are… that is the hard part. I too knew my ex had been wounded and I wish him well… but we had to part ways before either of us were seriously hurt. It is so damn difficult to say goodbye. ~Kim

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  4. Letting go is one of the most difficult things we are learning to do, and, we must realize, that the bad relationships we’d been in aren’t doing us any good, that we deserved better, but this is very hard, especially when we’re still, emotionally attached to the person whom we love that hurt us…

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Letting go is so hard no matter how long the friendship/relationship has lasted. It hurts like hell but in the end you’ll be stronger and wiser. I am sorry for your pain as I have gone through similar experiences in my life of having to let go of people that are toxic for me. It’s a courageous thing to do! I wish you well. ~Rachna

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  6. Goodbyes are never easy, no matter how well connected you are to your emotions or how practical you can get with your feelings. Though once you have understood that someones or somethings toxic, just strengthen your will and when your patience hits the brim, you will be out without a sound. Till then you will keep sinking, for only total loss of breath, can get you strong enough to get to the shore.

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