I have realized that I may have been overdoing my life lately. My social anxiety and anxiety, in general, has been out of control. It’s been crazy this past week, and I think I need to restructure my week so that I have more free time. I need to restructure my life overall if I am being honest.
What Changes Can I Make
I am reinstating listening to one audiobook a week, two if I can. I have a huge Audible collection that needs to be read and re-read. Being auditory learner I can listen to a book while I study (unless I am reading.)
I thought it was getting warm enough that I didn’t need my lightbox I stopped using it, but considering my depression is making its way around again I should probably get back to using it. I need to use it again during my mornings after meditation.
I know another change that would be important is to get back to a sleep schedule. I need to wake up earlier in the morning like I do every Monday at 5 am. If I can do it one day a week I can do it every day. That means by the evening I will be tired. More tired than I have been lately.
My sleep schedule has been nonexistent and to be honest very bad and inconsistent. I have been going to sleep at different times between 10 pm and 4 am this past week. It changes every day and waking up it just as challenging. Some mornings it’s early like today when I was up at 5 am. Sometimes it’s so bad I don’t go to sleep until 4 am and waking up anytime 10-11 that morning. It’s crazy and no one can be inconsistent and healthy with my horrible sleep schedule.
My sleep has always been bad. But when things are going right I am sleeping at least 4-6 hours a night. But with my Seroquel, I could go to sleep at 4 am and awake a few hours later. At the same time, Seroquel usually means I am up but not really awake. I sometimes lay there in my bed halfway to sleep and half awake. It sometimes takes two hours to wake on a full dose.
When I am Working Too Hard
I have been working non-stop. Full-time student. Working on my blog every day managing my posts and those of my contributor bloggers. Working on my memoir. And of course my major freelance project (which I am near the end and excited to share some of it on this blog in the coming weeks.) I don’t know how there are enough hours in the day.
I almost want to pay someone to put together all the chapters of my memoir. I didn’t write it in any particular order. I just wrote chapters. I figured that eventually I would get to a point of too many chapters (which is where I am at) and I would have to put it all together. What a tedious task it has been, and I haven’t even got to the proofreading and editing yet. I have spent the last six months compiling so many chapters. It might have been better to put it all together as I was writing. But I digress.
Sometimes I Wonder About Myself
I really miss coffee. I am always so tired and while drinking tea is okay. I always had a better life with coffee. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go without coffee.
I also almost relapsed in a way this week. Not like a major relapse, but I almost bought a pack of cigarettes after my panic attack. I could always feel better with my anxiety after a cigarette. It’s been about three years or so since my last. It was one my birthday that I last had one, so it might be closer to four. But I didn’t do it. I resisted.
I have felt lost this past week but I am hopeful. I can keep working towards my goals. But I need to start taking more time for myself. Relax, and not letting the little things in life, my triggers, to get the better of me. I need to leave my house more so that I don’t become a shut-in again. That is my goal this week. Get back to being James, the great person that I know that I can be. I know I can do this.
Always Keep Fighting.
James Edgar Skye