There are days when writing just comes naturally to me. It’s not a brag. I know most writers, if not all, have days where the pen and paper (or fingers to a keyboard) where life just makes sense. I love those days a writer.
Then there are days where my mind is muddled with depression and anxiety, and I have to work hard to just get in the right mood to write. At one point in my life, I let my writing come to me. I would wait and see if inspiration would come to me. Then the days, weeks, months, and even a year passed me by with very little writing being done. It was amazing if I had just one good day during this stretch.
It was only in the last year and a half that I work on write daily within the confines of my blog, my writing projects, and school. I usually do my best to write every day.
But lately, it has been a struggle. The best way to describe it is trying to write in the middle of the swamp. I just keep sinking deeper into my depression and anxiety to point where I wonder at the end of each day how I got through all of the mess that is my life at this time of the year.
I amaze myself sometimes because I am getting really good at writing even when my depression and anxiety is tugging at my life force. So how do I do it? I just get out of bed each day and try to be a writer today than I was yesterday. Its nothing special just a goal I set for myself. I try to write articles in advance so that the days where I just can’t write can still be effective. In my past, so much my personality was giving in when the chips were stacked against me.
It will never easy to be Bipolar and writer, but I think once I figured out that I needed to always be who I am first, a writer, things changed.
It started early last year as I worked towards writing my first screenplay. It had been more than a year since I completed a work project, and it was a struggle to work most days. But, the experience changed me. I finally started to feel like a writer most days and when I finally finished my first project in years at the end of last year, I felt one with myself as a writer for what seemed ages.
And then I started to have health problems at the start of this year. Extreme highs on my anxiety, lots of depression, and stomach ulcers that landed me in the hospital for a week, it took me months before I got back to writing.
I am starting to feel as if the same things are happening to me, will I lose my will write?
It took me editing and writing again slowly into the summer, and the completion of the final draft of my screenplay in March, to put me back on track in my writing. I started working over the summer on different projects and I started to compile the ideas of what became The Bipolar Writer and this blog.
My point in telling this story is to show that no matter what, you should be who you should be. I have let depression, anxiety, and insomnia rule most of my life to a point where I used it as an excuse to not write. The further away I found myself away from writing the worse I got. I stopped being true to who I am as a writer. I lost myself. It took me years to finally find my place again.
Being Bipolar is just a part of who I am, and if you’re reading my blog it’s probably in your life as well. But, it doesn’t define us. I have found ways to turn my depression and anxiety into positives in writing my blog and my memoir. It’s never easy. That much is true as work on getting through some of the worst anxiety this week. I am still here and fighting for what I want in my life.
You can write even things get muddled.
I think if anyone with a history like mine can find his place in the world, there is no doubt that you will find yours.
Always keep fighting.
P.S. I stole that saying from the AFK campaign. I have bought so many shirts with that saying on it that it is always on my mind.
Photo Credit: Stefano Pollio