Well, I figured something like this would happen.

Last night, I figured out a pattern of behavior in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life. I have been trying to rack my brain of the “why” of my anxiety over the last few months. It took two Ativan and almost two hours before I was calm enough to lay down. It was another hour before I got some real sleep. My Ativan has been on my mind a lot lately, and it seems as if it starting to not work, and that is a problem.

Let’s turn the clock back a year.

Around this time last year, I was about halfway through writing my first screenplay, Memory of Shane. I had just put the finishing touches on Act two, and I was really excited to keep working this writing project to completion to a first draft. I was full-time in school, so my workload was heavy most days.

I should have seen the pattern. Days without sleep, 10-12 hour writing/study sessions, and more anxiety than I could handle. I went into what I am now calling “overload.” It got so bad by the New Year’s 2017, I was having panic attacks almost daily and the worst of it was at night.

This story ends with finding myself the emergency room in early February with bleeding ulcers and a new understanding of my anxiety. Or so I thought. I knew I had to find ways to fix my anxiety without medication. I had no choice according to my psychiatrist, but doctors aren’t always right. Over the next six or seven months, I began working on controlling my thoughts with mindfulness and CBT. It worked for a while and my anxiety seemed to be under control.

But, I never learn.

Fast forward to now. October hit me slightly. Then in November my anxiety and depression began to spiral out of control. I got my depression back under control, but now my anxiety alludes me. Its like I can’t win. Somehow, I have let myself get to a worse place with my anxiety. I have hit that overload button again. I am working several writing projects, my blog, and still a full-time student. Not to mention the extra writing work I have been doing.


I never learn.

The next step? Talking to my therapist this week, getting an emergency session to see my doctor, and maybe cutting back on some things. I could write less here on my blog which seems logical, but this blog is the thing that is keeping me from bouncing off the walls. Maybe take a vacation. I wonder if Vegas is nice this time of year.

It’s funny. I always talk about working on my mental health, but sometimes I am the worst actually practicing what I preach.

I need to get back to what worked this summer. A working schedule that is consistent day in and day out. I need to take breaks every day. I need to sleep more and not wake up until I am rested. I need to eat regularly and stop working myself to death. I need to refocus my CBT work every day and maybe do more mood induction therapy with music. I need to get it together because too many times in my life, I have repeated bad behaviors.

I’m overloaded right now, and the panic attack last night was scary to go through, and my biggest worry is that my anxiety could grow to new levels. 

I thought my anxiety was bad last year and at the beginning of this year, but its worse.

I know my anxiety and panic attacks have been such a big subject the last week, but it is the big thing in my life and almost every night seems impossible that I will get through this issue.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Erico Marcelino

41 thoughts on “Overload

  1. I have no words of wisdom or helpful insight on how to help. I’m just commenting to let you know I have read your post, and i am hearing your struggles. You aren’t alone, so when you get them bad days, keep on posting, somebody is listening x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh i feel for yah ❤ It seems to be a balancing and fine tuning act, but most importantly, I've discovered its an individual thing. Just because it works for Me, doesn't mean it'll work for you kinda thing.

    Long term, stay in the system, medication, doesn't work for Me, because the side effects outweigh the benefits. But short term (makes its way out of your system with 6-8 hours) works better for the panic attacks – especially while I try and get a grip on the when and wheres of them. It's been a slow process.

    And I reckon, don't beat yourself up about Not learning – you've learnt alright; Your way … and thats gotta be worth more than a high five 😉 Celebrate the progress, always ❤

    Love and light to you xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I sincerely hope you get better, whatever that means for you. Have you checked into getting theraly/service dogs? Having animals around can really help and service dogs help a TON. Its how I keep my anxiety under control. I know its not an option for most but its worth suggesting. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s hard to comment without knowing what your anxiety is about. Write down your fear and the belief behind it. Then write a positive statement to counteract the negative belief. For example…bad people aren’t after you. This should reduce the belief in the initial negative belief. Hope this makes sense.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Wow what a great post! Not too long ago I suffered a panic attack and while anxiety sucks, talking about it with someone is something that has definitely helped me. I really do hope that you get better. I’m very happy to see that you are starting to listen to what your mind and your body needs, in order to heal.


  6. You are very strong. No one deserves the hell of being burnt out. I hope it gets better as soon as possible. Might I also suggest giving yoga a shot? I don’t know if you have tried it or not, but it does help because it forces you to relax and empty your mind just focusing on your breathing and the voice of the instructor.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Medications have to be changed sometimes. Not just doses but a different kind all together. This happened to me when I realized I could eat Ativan as if it were M & M’s (of course I didn’t). I talked with my doctors and they decided to change me to something else.

    Also, I found that I have to take time for myself to completely process everything that is going on. Often times that means music goes on, lighting changes, telephones get turned off, computer gets closed, and I spend time relaxing, refreshing, and grounding myself. (And yes, schedules do help sometimes). Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My worst panic attacks happened when I was overloaded as well. The shitty thing about Ativan (or benzodiazepines in general) is the tolerance and possibility of addiction. I have realized after trying benzos they only seem to mask the problem for me. They keep me physically calm, but my mind will still run rampant. My dad abuses his prescriptions, so the fear of me becoming addicted pushed me away from them as well. I hope you can figure out a way to balance things out and find a med that works best for you. I know how horrible this feels. Best of luck!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I really hope you can start to get both your depression and anxiety under control together. I applaud you for being brave enough to share your struggles. I’m sure you’re helping many people in doing that. I hope this week marks the beginning of recovery for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I definitely think it sounds like you’re overloading and overworking yourself. Between school, the blog, and your writings, maybe at least cut back on something, and like you said – take more breaks, eat a little more properly. It’s always easier said then done, but now that you’ve noticed this, you can try to remedy the issue, at least some. I wish you luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. My anxiety disorder is from a stroke so it is what I consider a physical problem with my brain. Schedules and consistency are what have helped me the most. Spontaneous activities drive my anxiety up so I try to avoid them. I love blogging but it can raise the tension level in me so I pulled back to once a week. It helped.

    I tell you this to give you some ideas as to how you can govern your days so you have more control. You are welcomed to toss them out the window if they don’t suit your needs. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. I dealt with this problem of “overload” (or overwhelm) that really does like to sneak up on you. Being a workaholic and having anxiety really don’t go well together and I found out the hard way several times that they exacerbate each other.

    After overworking myself for years off and on I found that you really just have to keep a strict schedule and protect your sleep religiously. That means you have one or two days a week or two or more hours a day where you just decompress. NO work is allowed there, even if it’s something you love.

    My only other strategy has been keeping a “Top 3 to 5 task list.” This means that if you finish these top goals you are done or accomplished for the day and won’t feel the same pressure to keep working continuously (I’ve done that so many times too). I hope everything gets better soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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