If you haven’t yet read my blog about the things I am thankful for, please do. This will likely be my last blog post until the end of the week on Sunday. With a shortened week and a pile of school work, my only focus for the rest of the week will my school work and my memoir. I have to prioritize.
This is the sixth installment of a series that chronicles my issues with my social anxiety. I wanted to post this today while it is still fresh in my mind. Last night I had one of my regular panic attacks when my thoughts of what my Thanksgiving day will bring in the form of a social situation that I would rather avoid, consumed me. I will explain in a minute, here are the other blog posts in the series.
If you have been following my blog over the last month or so you know that things between my best friend and I haven’t been great. Okay if I am being honest they have been downright horrific, to the point where she has disappeared from my life. When she asked me to do something so unspeakable, she has sent two texts in well over a month time. We have spoken about five words total.
It would be easy to just let her go from my life, but she has been one of the most important people in my life over the last ten year and even more than beyond my diagnosis. We have had spats like this before and didn’t talk for a few years. At that time I cut off pretty much everyone in my life, but she walked back into my life when my grandfather died in 2014.
The problem is, her family and my own are very close. Her brother is also my best friend and unlike his sister, we have always been close. Nothing really gets between us because we know and trust one another. Every Thanksgiving as long as I can remember their family comes to our house for the holiday, and this year is no different.
Last night I started to overthink last night and my anxiety began to take hold of me to the point of a full-blown panic attack. It was well after midnight which is where many of my worse panic attacks happen to me. I tried everything. Music. Relaxation. Meditation and mindfulness breathing. For almost two hours I was a ball of anxiety, and my only salvation came from an extra Ativan with the one I had already taken a few hours prior. Eventually, I got to a point that I could sleep around three in the morning.
That is what led me to write this sixth installment of “My Social Anxiety Life.” It is not all that hard to figure out my triggers of the anxiety attack. I don’t do well in situations like the one I will face today with my former best friend? Actually, I don’t know what to call her. Are we still friends? Will there be awkward silence between her and myself? Should I just hide in my room and just forget dealing with Thanksgiving drama?
I think there is a real lesson. Nothing good happens after 2 am (I wonder if anyone will get this reference.) I need to learn to write down my thought before they happen. I knew where my thoughts would go, and foolishly I thought just not dealing the issue like CBT has taught me, instead I thought things would be fine. You would think I would learn by now that this is never the case. But I can reflect today here on my blog and move on. Today might suck at times but I can always walk away. The holidays are supposed to be peaceful, but with family, nothing is ever peaceful.
I hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving. Always keep fighting.
Photo Credit: Timothy Eberly