Sorting Through my Recent Depression

The last few weeks have been a great test for how much my depression can affect my day and week. I have spent a lot of time recently tracking my mood especially my depression.

I worry about my effectiveness in my writing because as my depression has increased the last few weeks, I still have things to do on a daily basis. My school work is always a priority, I try to blog as much as possible, and of course my writing projects. I am amazed that I can do things as depressed as I have been lately.

It’s been a ride. So I thought about what is causing my depression. The changing of the season is one of the factors. I always get depressed at this time of year. But it goes deeper than seasonal affective disorder. I am really stressed about this time of year.

Just because I have passed my ten month anniversary yesterday, doesn’t mean all is well in my life. I am still stressed about so many upcoming things like completing my memoir which I have tirelessly been working towards the last three months.

My mind is filled with doubts because there are more things that I have to do, I need to grow my brand The Bipolar Writer and it means taking my blog to new levels. I am stressed that I am not ready to do what I need to do and as my depression grows deeper I worry there are not enough hours in the day.

I worry so much and the depression worsens by the minute. At night it can get so bad that I start to have bad panic attacks. I feel so lost at night and I have talked about how much I feel lost and alone.

I have been writing lately but it doesn’t feel right. I feel lethargic when I wake up, and even with coffee in my system, I am not as effective as I want to be. I think I could just give up right now, it would be so easy.

I want so bad to give into the depression. It would be so much easier. I could just lay in bed all day and not worry. I could let the depression take hold of me. It will make life easier. I wouldn’t have to fight for every inch of my life, and wouldn’t struggle every day. Sure the depression would still be there, but I could give in.

But, I made a commitment to do better and to keep writing no matter what comes my way. I know my depression is getting worse so I figure I can do the little things. More mindfulness breathing when I wake up and throughout the day. Meditation in the morning, during the day, and at night.

I can use my lightbox for longer each morning. I can combat my depression by writing more and stressing less. I will tell myself that everything happens for a reason. That I am worth all of it, and I am going to take The Bipolar Writer to new heights.

I could even smile more, smiles are so important. I don’t smile enough.

I can get back on a regular schedule where I wake up at a decent time and focus on getting down to being who I am, James the writer, The Bipolar Writer.

I have survived depression so bad that I wanted to end it all, and this depression is not on that level. I have survived three suicide attempts and I have learned so much on my journey that I know, I will continue to fight.

What are your thoughts? What are some of your triggers for depression and how do you deal with it?


P.S. I am still looking for testimonials for my blog. If you would like to write one send it to my email with your testimonial, your blog site, and a picture to feature.

Photo Credit: Ian Espinosa

27 thoughts on “Sorting Through my Recent Depression

  1. I wish I could send you a new laptop but unfortunately I am in the same position. I’m doing my blog from a tablet. As far as what triggers my depression, I’m not totally sure. I think that it is in part a seasonal thing. I escape it through out loud prayer. I have 2 prior suicide attempts and there will be no more. I’ve been locked up long enough and with God’s help I will be free. I pray for you that you will find that same freedom. Your stories tug at my heart. I hope you do get your new laptop and can continue with your blog and writings.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s okay. I am not expecting anything from my followers in that realm. It’s great to hear that you have gotten past your suicide attempts and never want to go back. It is the same with me. Everything happens so for a reason. I will get my laptop in due time. I think the last time I tried to commit suicide God made me stay because he had plans for me. I always look back at that day and realize I should have died and yet I am here. God does amazing things in our lives when we least expect it. Thank you sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My triggers are unfinished things. I crave for black and white in a grey world. It is a recipe for failure, and just recently I have started working on it. Unfinished house projects or work projects sends my mind on a spin. The lies keep pilling up of how much of a mess I am, what a failure I am, how ANYONE could have done this, it is just dinner! It is just an e-mail! Oh look, I have been recognized with praise at work… fools don’t know I just pretend, I’m a failure! I push myself at stupid levels to be productive 110% of the time, and clearly, being impossible, I consider it to be my failure, and not the fact that it is an unattainable goal. As you surely are aware, knowing all of this does not bring the “cure”, but repeating it over and over may help me learn it by heart.

    Thank you for stopping by my blog, by the way. I see you are a professional writer, and looking to expand, so I’d like to recommend that you check out “The Mighty” and maybe share some writing there? It is not paid, but could help grow your brand:

    Wish you and all others the best, be that an uplifting day defeating your own darkness or just cuddling with it to watch a show.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am all too familiar with the need to be productive 110% of the time. It’s such an unattainable goal and yet we give ourselves outrageous expectations to achieve these goals. I often consider myself a failure when I can’t function. But line you it helps to point out my flaws so I can work on them. I often talk to my therapist about taking days off so that I am not always overwhelming myself. I will check out that website. Thanks for letting me know, and thank you for sharing a small piece of your life.


  3. I always struggle this time of year. Maybe because it was around the holidays when I was a senior in high school that I attempted suicide and was hospitalized. But I tend to get really down and depressed this time of year……I’ve never understood seasonal depression. Why do the change in seasons cause depression? Maybe because it gets darker quicker in fall/winter?
    I have decided, after reading your blog posts, that I want to write a memoir of my own. I’ve never done anything like this before so this should be interesting….lol

    Liked by 2 people

    • You might want to look into a light box. One of the reasons SAD type depression happens is there isn’t enough light during the day. A light box can really help. A memoir is a great idea and it can help you learn more things about who you are within your mental illness.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I have the same problem. I have ups and downs about writing. I try to just write when I feel good and not make it a requirement. Every time my husband gets a jealousy moment about something I did I get more depressed. He knows how to trigger my depression and I shut down. I hate him making me feel like a child. All I know is that I need change but it’s hard when you have kids depending on you. I have hope that I will get through this. Depression sucks and being bipolar is even worse. People don’t understand my wants. Good luck buddy.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Depression – “Deep” “Rest” … When we are in a state of rest, and that “deeprest’ make us feel worthless.. But i BELIEVE that once we are out of “Deep rest” we will feel blessed to be in the state of deep rest… Now you may curse depression, but once it’s gone you will understand there is so much you have learned…

    Be positive ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate to so much of this post.

    I always thought I was just “depressed” and that was it. It was about 10 years ago that a doctor said he thought there was a chance I was bipolar. Last year, I was diagnosed as being bipolar II.

    It feels like almost everything is a trigger for me lately and my lows have been as low as they’ve ever been. So much so that I attempted suicide a few months ago. My wife saved my life.

    I’ve felt so lost lately and it’s so hard to find my way out. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. I’m really glad that I found your blog and I’m hopeful that it can be a tool to help me with what I go through. It helps with the whole “I’m going through this alone” feeling.

    How much does writing help you through it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Writing is just, well amazingly worth every second. My writing has saved me this year. Yeah my depression is bad right now, but it could be so much worse. Talking about it here in my blog has changed the way I do things. I know my writing can be therapeutic so no matter much it hurts I write.

      I am happy you are still with us. Going down the road of suicide is never easy. But I hope you care back from the darkness stronger. Not everyday will be victorious. I often talk about my depression as a war. It may never be winnable, but the battles that you win can make all the difference. I recommend writing to everyone. Keep fighting. And thank you for sharing your story.


  7. I have so many triggers that I don’t even know where to begin, but I think I’m getting better at picking up on what is starting to feel triggering and the signs I’m falling into depression (it normally starts with me not putting away my clean laundry for more than 2 days) and those signs seem to be helpful.

    I deal with depressive episodes by setting alarms and using my support system to help me through it all – from my therapist to friends and family. They check in, try to get me out of the house, and doing other things besides laying in bed all day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I also think the classes I’m taking for school are helping. I feel like I know more about myself and why I am this way than ever before, and I can offer myself compassion and try to be a bit more patient (even though that is not my forte).

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Its hard battling depression, I found myself get more depressed when people doesn’t respect me as a mum because it just bring back all the memories of how my SIL have treated me without any respect for becoming a mum and how everyone was considering the grandparents as the most important people in my child life over me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m not on medication at the moment so it’s been tough for me (not trying to make your struggle less at all, just you asked, lol). I just had a short (thankfully) maniac depressive episode. For me, I have a hard time finding anything that helps and my lows are much more than my highs. & if I have a high, it’s 50/50 whether it’s the crazy fun (at least it seems so at first) high or a maniac depressive episode. The only thing that really helps me much is having one particular person to lean on (for me, it’s my long-term boyfriend) & writing. Even if I don’t feel like writing, I write. Even if it’s just a list of my shit emotions. It helps a little. Keep your chin up, you got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. For me my trigger is definitely starting from square one in my life. I’ve had to start at squareone at least twice in my life, the adjustment the first time around was easy, because I was on my antidepressants. But the second time around, it hit me like a train, I was getting too stressed and not wanting to do anything, but just sit and muddle deeper and deeper into my depression. I’m normally pretty good with change but ever since I’ve had my depressive episodes, that’s kind of changed, I can accept small gradual changes, but when it comes to moving to a new city or a new college, that’s where it gets hard for me. I always keep myself in check by making sure I head to the gym and making sure that I’m eating healthy and keeping myself busy above all. The moment I notice that I’m either skipping a meal or feel more stressed than usual or have repetitive thoughts is when I check myself(ie have I eaten? Do I have water on me? Have I written down what I need to get done? Etc). Doing these little things have helped me become more in tune with myself. I love your post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can understand the trail of having to start over in my life at square one. I like some of the triggers that you mentioned. I know eating is a big one for me. I often skip meals when I am depressed. I also need so much structure in my life to combat depression. Thank you for sharing a little piece of your own life with me.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Everything i have been feeling since daylight savings began. Almost certain it is just “that time of year” but I am doing the same in that I am continuing to write more, focusing on way to improve going forward and allowing myself to feel but not settle into negative feelings. Thanks so much for this!

    Liked by 1 person

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