I am usually okay with being alone in my life. It suits my personality being an introverted writer, and for most of this year being alone was not an issue. Its been a good year for the most part with the exception of the last month or two. I have been super busy with my writing. I’m about to finish my degree in a few months. My blog has helped me explore every part of my diagnosis, the good and the bad. But, I have created a shell around myself where being alone in the world has been my constant companion. I am a lone wolf.
It doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. For so long I have used so many excuses of why getting into a relationship with someone is such a bad idea. There is the fact that it seems impossible to let people in my life. I worry about what I will bring to a relationship, and given my past relationships, it’s never a good. My depression and anxiety control most of my day and how can I ask someone to take my issues on?
I often blame it on being an introvert, which has always been a part of me. I can hide from the real world behind my glasses, headphones, music and my writing when I am in the real world. I can’t remember the last conversation I had with someone outside of texting. I am alone in my own world for so many hours of the day. Sure I talk with my followers here on my blog and those are much-needed connections, but sometimes real human connections help.
I have my blog and it helps to make real connections with people, but I will be the first to admit it’s easier than being around people in life.
My past relationships were great up until the point where my depression and anxiety take over my life. My last girlfriend had to live with the change that her boyfriend didn’t want to live in the same world as her. I was about to go through some of the deepest darkest depression, and to bring that into someone else’s life, would be unfair. I ended my relationship with my last girlfriend to save her from what was to come.
Doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely.
So much of who I have been over the last ten years is me, going through my life, alone. My struggles are my own. When I have high anxiety late at night that leads to panic attacks, I fight through it alone.
My depression has been bad this week, and it makes sense given what the meaning of next week means in my life. I am afraid of what comes next. I have lived in the bubble for the last ten years, and the way my writing is going I am opening up more now than ever in my life. Doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely.
I thought this year, I had my best friend back in my life. For a time she was here for me, but she has disappeared again. The moment I made the decision to not help her commit suicide was the moment I lost her in my life.
This is my depression talking which has once again captured every aspect of my life once again. The holiday season has always been rough but being alone now, when over the last few months I have opened myself up to the world, it seems different this time. I know this feeling won’t last forever, and that it just something that will work itself out eventually.
So, if you have someone hold them close, especially if you are dealing with a mental illness. Some of us, are more alone than others.
I will get through this, it’s just something I do.
Photo Credit: Raul Petri