Why Suicide?

Why Suicide?

What caused those of us who have gone down that dark road?

I am officially a week away from my ten-year diagnosis and suicide anniversary. This milestone is very important to me because there was a time in my life where getting to this point was a just fantasy I convinced myself was possible. I never actually believed that I would be alive this close to this anniversary.

I seek to better understand suicide in my writing, and more importantly why so more than once I have turned to suicide instead of seeking help.

The word suicide is such an interesting and powerful word. Those that have lived through it are forever scared, and those who unfortunately succumb to suicide are forever missed by the ones that loved them. I fall into the first category, and I have written about suicide in a very broad sense in the course of my blog, you can find the piece here, and here is an excerpt for that piece:

“In the darkest places of my mind, I still remember how it felt when suicide was all that consumed my thoughts. What a dark place I must go to again, but this time only to better understand. Some are put on this earth so that they can help others deal with the same problems, I like to think this is one of those times.”

To get to that point, where there is nothing but despair, hopelessness, and darkness, is far from a great place to be in life. To reach that point where taking your own life is better option than living is, to me, the worst feeling in the world.

Why do we go to place? How can suicide feel so familiar? I feel as if the more I think about suicide the less I really understand my own past experience with suicide. How could I get to that point? I know in my own experience lack of sleep was a contributing factor to when my mind went from “suicidal idealizations” to “I am going to do this tonight.” But, I have trouble sleeping now, so while it is a factor, it just another excuse to try and justify the “why.”

There is the depression aspect of my suicide attempts. I was so deep in the darkness that the only way out in my mind was suicide. I have been depressed plenty of times since my last suicide attempt, and my suicide hasn’t gotten that dark. Is it the fact that I am so determined to not go down that road that keeps me grounded?

What stands out now is the war that was waged in my mind, it felt so endless and even now I feel the struggle pulling at the threads of sanity. I am better equipped at battling those types of thoughts, but this the result of years of fighting what seems like the losing war. This war is one that will never be won, but I can still fight the battles and win victories for the rest of my life.

It will always be there in my mind. The possibility. I can fool myself and say that I am a better person. I am a better person, but this version of myself is just a version that knows the past and has learned enough to know where suicide can lead. The problem? It is always possible that I could go down that rabbit hole of my darkest depression cycle and end up back in a place where suicide seems the “easy choice.”

I am very far away from my darkness at this moment in time, but in my life, I fear that things could get so bad that suicide might be the answer once again. I fear this every day.

I wake up everyday feeling happy to be alive, but it wasn’t always so on this journey. Could it be so easy to slip again?

I can remember the peace that came over me the first time that I chose suicide as the answer to my problems in 2007. For the first time in months my mind was clear and I could see the end as something I needed deep down. I thought that this solution, committing suicide, was the only option. Trying to feel that feeling now, I know it was only a temporary feeling because it was far from real. I was just in so much pain that I couldn’t imagine a world where I could exist.

The darkness just doesn’t go away. It will always be my constant companion in life. Suicide is a dark place and it felt so endless when I chose to go down that route. My family will always wonder if and when they will go through that again. It is so easy to understand because it was so easy to turn to suicide. I always hope for the best, and I implore that anyone who is turning to suicide to seek help.

I will be exploring my own past over the next few weeks for my memoir. It will be the most important chapters that I have written up to this point. I am still seeking to understand the “why suicide” question. It is such a dark subject but I feel as if it will be the most important thing I write because if I am going to advocate against suicide for the rest of my life, I need to better understand my own past.

Our pasts shape who we are, and if this place, my blog, is going to be the start of something bigger, then we should explore the darkest places of our past.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Mila Young

66 thoughts on “Why Suicide?

  1. For me, the thing that drives my suicide thoughts is … fatigue with life, I think. I think most people with suicide intentions don’t actually want to die as such but they want to flee from the situation/life they’re in at that moment. They see no other escape but to end it all. The ultimate escape. But I don’t have anything I feel the need to run away from. I actually have a very nice life, a happy relationship, two wonderful best friends and an amazing relationship with my parents. But still I struggle with suicide thoughts every day. I’m just tired of life as such. I don’t see any reason to fight through all the little obstacles in life if you die in the end, anyway. I don’t have this attachment to life itself. I wish I did. I wrote a lot about that for my blog, https://khyrean.wordpress.com/2017/10/22/nineteenth-post/ if you’re interested. Is there anyone else out there for whom this innate fight for existence seems to be missing ?

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Thank you so much for continuing to blog about your journey. I know it isn’t always easy to talk about the struggles. But it really brings hope and clarity to my own life as I process through my past and current thoughts. It inspires me to think through my life with a new aspect as to what I used to believe to what I know to be true now. I just wanted to say thank you 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • It means the world to be when I get comments like your own. I believe that at some point in a person’s diagnosis there comes a time to talk and organize current thoughts and the past. We can understand what makes our history important and learn from it. My goal is always to inspire others to better understand their illness. If it means sharing my own issues then it is well worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so happy you’re here, James Edgar Skye. I wish I could say the same to my youngest nephew, but he is no longer physically with us because of suicide. I have thought about him every day since the last time I saw him in late May. I wish so often that I had known what to say or do for him. I wish he had called me. I wish so many things.

    Like my nephew I, too, have bipolar disorder. I can sort of guess what he might have been thinking on that last day, but I will never be sure. I have had suicidal ideations, myself, and though I never made a full blown attempt, I have put myself in danger enough for hospitalizations. I know extreme desperation and pain.

    My nephew made attempts at his life from a very early age, and threatened very often. After he was gone, my brother-in-law kept telling my sister that it was destined to happen. But I hate that my brother-in-law would ever say such a thing about a 24 year old man. No one is destined to take their own lives. There is always hope beyond that desperation.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I know it can be hard to talk about those that we have lost to suicide. I know people have thought the same about me, could it have been possible to stop my suicide attempts? The answer isn’t always yes or no. I am sorry that your nephew couldn’t find another way. I think this subject is so real to me is because my last attempt should have been the end. And yet here I am living.

      I think my purpose in life is to write about my experiences so that people like your nephew will never have to walk down that path alone.

      You’re right. No one is destined to give up their life to their illness or to suicide. I think as members of the mental illness community, and those of us who have ever thought about suicide to teach. I know its never easy but knowing that I wasn’t the only one that thought about suicide helps on so many levels.

      Again thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I do think suicidal thoughts come when our despair at the loss of connection to any sense of meaning purpose hope and sense of value possesses us. I have felt that way so many times and have witnessed the devastation when someone tries as both my sisters have attempted suicide. I think being alone is a huge contributer but that said if we cannot unmask our deepest dark thoughts with another human we are more at risk. Eariler in the year I had a very suicidal day and I received a phone call from a stranger he was so kind when I honestly told him how I felt and his care and love was that little chink of light that helped me ont . I know having had these thoughts so often they do pass.

    Its good that you share and write all of this. I wish my sister could talk about her attempt but she locks it all away. Its great that you bring this subject out there and explain what is going on from inside the mind of a survivor.

    There is a spiritual teacher named Jeff Forster. I dont know if you have heard of him but he has a great video on how suicide expresses an urge to die on one level to an old part of ourselves and he has helped people come back from that place through validating them. Its worth a look. Love Deborah

    Liked by 1 person

    • It took me years to be able to be this open (it has been seven year since my last attempt) to talk about my experiences. Like your sister, I locked it way for so long. I think my advice would be to give it time but maybe if she talked about it in a journal, I often found over the years that writing a digital journal that had a passcode, a way to talk about my experience without talking about it to the world.

      I have not heard of Jeff Forster but I will check out his work. Suicide is such a tough thing to process because it such a dark part of what we can do as human beings to ourselves.

      Thank you sharing and I hope that your sister finds a way one day to share her own experience.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks so much James. I think my sister still carries shame about it. Certain members of our family didnt respond to her with empathy when she found herself in such a dark place. I think it takes courage to open about it and am so glad you have found that. I do admire you and your journey and writing.
        And thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I can relate to what your sister is going through. I know after the first and second time many members of my family lost hope in me and couldn’t understand the dark place that I was finding myself in.

        Your are welcome about the response. I do my best to get back to all those that comment on my blog. Today has been a bit harder than others, I have been dealing with depression all day. So I have been taking breaks in-between writing.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I saw other members of her family (one son) also not understand how deep her suffering was. They took control too much and could not meet her in that place of deep grief which is so wordless. Only you know what you suffered in your life, and it can be so painful at times with all we carry from the past.

        Empathy is key. I understood why both my sisters tried to take their lives they were in so much pain and no one could meet them in that place and they felt so alone.

        I deeply understand. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I also think there is a powerful existential aspect to suicide. If we believe in the soul and that we come from the stars in our essence and from pure unconditional love which is what NDE people experience on the other side, then something in our soul knows the suffering of the earthly life will not dog our personality if we go over and so the choice is made. That said we are on this earth to break through all the burdens and restrictions to the revelation of love’s presence. At such a dark time in humanity we can despair as humans cause great suffering, like few other species. I never demonise those who make the choice to die. They just want to find a home free of pain and suffering.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Suicide is a scary and very real thing, something that people don’t want to talk about. People don’t like to talk about it because they don’t want to consider the fact that anyone could feel that low. Still, coming from someone who’s walked through the path of suicidal depression, it’s something that NEEDS to be talked about. People who go through this need to know that no matter how hard it may be, they can always pick themselves back up.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re so strong for everything that you’ve been through! From your one previous post, it almost feels as if the moment you set your mind to something, you make it happen. Which is great. I really hope you don’t go down that dark road again, and that whatever you’re doing now is helping you stay afloat. There is so much to live for, it’s scary to think how a person can reach such a dark place. I’ve never contemplated suicide, but I remember being in a bad place myself and understanding the reason why people do it. When they feel trapped, no way out. You don’t want to live with those feelings anymore. I understood that. Suicide is a scary real thing. Sometimes it feels like the only way out of your current reality. Your posts are so insightful. Thank you for sharing, as always

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think I will ever go down that road again. I’m in a good place with my diagnosis and I have learned so much over the course of my journey. I will keep writing and keep exploring my history and how it affects me. I do my best to make sure my posts are insightful so thank you for pointing that out!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re very welcome. And that’s great to hear! It sounds like you really have learned a lot. And that’s a great thing to keep doing as well, it’s almost like a form of therapy for yourself

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Suicidial thoughts are apart of people that want to just end it all. I loved the article and I understand how you feel that it will never go away, but you have to keep fighting even when it seems hopeless. I hope the best for you man and thank you for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I had a five year gap of no suicide attempts and no self harm, but recently got back to that point. I think it’s something we have to keep fighting everyday, but I’m glad your here to talk about it. Your posts keep me positive.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Thank you for sharing this. My own life has been touched by suicide. I’ve attempted to take my own life twice. Once prior to my diagnosis and once after. Fortunately I was unsuccessful in my attempts and I’m alive to help others. I’ve come to the point in life that I realize every thing I’ve been through can be a tool to help others or connect with them in a way that might help better their journey through life. I’m writing this message on an anniversary of mine. I’m 5 years clean and sober.

    In another aspect, my aunt was “successful” in her suicide. It’s scarred my family in ways that are hard to explain. Every single one of us struggled with “what could I have done?” “What could I have said?” “What did I do or not do to cause this?”

    I was searching for a “blog topic” and I think you have inspired me today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and I am happy to hear that you survived your two attempts and are still here with us today. I am so happy that you are five years clean! That is a major milestone.

      Unfortunately families are the most effected by those who have been successful for lack of a better word. It is the sad reality that we leave behind.

      I am glad you found a blog topic to write today. I wish you luck in writing that post. Please let me know when it is up, and I will check it out!

      Liked by 1 person

      • It is posted. There are 3 blogs attached to my profile. The one you would look for is Beyond the Moonlight with the blog title of “When I Saw No Light in the Darkness”. I can send you the link if that would be easier, but do not make it a habit to do so without permission first.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m glad to have read your post. Thanks for visiting mine. I had two attempts and the last one made it into the hospital. I believe it was in 2006 or 2007. I try not to remember the exact time frame. However, I do remember that dark , deep space inside that I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy. I vowed to never go there again. It’s been a long time since I thought about suicide, but in a rare instant it’s cross my mind. I am not sure why it does, but I am glad push myself past it. Glad to have come across you and hope to read more of your work. Sending lots of light and strength to you from NC.

    Liked by 2 people

    • First I wanted to say that I am glad that you are still here with us. I have had a similar experience with finally getting past suicidal thoughts but occasionally they pop up. For me its the thought that I could go to that dark place again. Thank you for your kind words, light and strength from NC.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. It’s during our darkest days when we learn our biggest life lessons. While you may always fear that the feeling will come back, IF it ever does- just remember, you’ve made it through the darkest nights before, there’s a little light shining on you somewhere. It’s incredibly inspiring to read your story and watch you open up your raw emotions. You’re not only helping yourself but you are helping others, thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking a moment to read my blog. It means the world to me. I always do my best to share the real pieces of my existence to the world in every blog post I write. Your point is valid, I have lived through the worst of it already. Thank you for sharing.


  13. Why suicide is a question I am asking since I was 9! I believe may be people who have been too strong for such a long time, surviving the trolls put on by there own brain finally succumb to those adversities. Their efforts which they earnestly put into recovering their old self just go futile, leaving them demotivated to a whole new level. They are frustrated to that level where taking a life doesn’t seem a gutsy affair. Maybe!

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. This just reminded me that my 7 year anniversary is getting close. I can remember the day I chose suicide, like it was just yesterday. It seemed like an easy exit from a situation I couldn’t muster the strength to face another day. My social anxiety was at it’s peak and my clarity was at it’s bleakest.
    It’s comforting to hear that others have made it through those darkest moments.
    I hope you know your honesty about your situation is like a breath of fresh air.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. James,
    Congratulations to you for sticking it out with us since your attempt. It takes great courage to face your demons and not give up. I lost a very dear girlfriend to suicide over 15 years ago. She was Bipolar, and I had no idea. We had an online relationship for over a year, we met in person once when I went to visit her for a week. She was a great person, and I loved her dearly but she would disappear on me for weeks at a time. Every time she would come back and tell me she had been in the hospital, “very sick”. What I didn’t know was these were her demon times, when she had to be hospitalized due to her depression. She never spoke of it, and this was long before my own diagnosis. I didn’t know about hers until her husband called me to tell me she had taken her own life. She had the wherewithal to send me a goodbye email, but had sent it to my work email during a period of time when I was on medical leave (and remote access to email wasn’t a thing yet), so I didn’t see it until she was already gone. I feel grateful that she chose to reach out one last time, and regretful that I wasn’t there to see it and respond. To this day I wonder if I could have made a difference. Her last words to me were “Do you still think of me?” That was the worst.
    I’ve been suicidal before, but to me suicide is a cliff with a thick black line at the edge that I cannot cross. At the bottom of this long deep cliff are all my friends and relatives, looking up. To commit suicide is to hurt each and every one of those people who care for me. I nkow that no matter how bad things get, they can always get better.
    I hope you continue to fight the good fight. Bless you for sticking it out.


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